Blogs about Heather

Update! :)

updates

Happy Summer everybody! What is going on in my life?

Last week I went to New Jersey for a wedding.  I was Maid of Honor!  I couldn’t believe that I was selected for this role, as I live in Missouri and don’t consider myself to have “regular” contact with the bride.  But there were more important factors that have honestly been a theme throughout our relationship:  Christ.  I talked about this in my non-alcoholic toast; Katie and I have not always been the most compatible friends, but that didn’t matter; we sought each other out because we were the only ladies in our high school graduating class who sought after the Lord.  So 8 years of friendship later, I’m ripping my dress up the stage as her MOH.  The experience really added to my ponderings of what Christian community looks like.

This three weeks of unemployment is really teaching me that.  I quit all my jobs on a leap of faith and moved to STL, in with my grandparents so that I could sort out things within my family.  I almost regret it, because I don’t have a job yet and I am NOT not the type of person to not do anything.  At the same time, it’s relaxing.  I’m finding peace.  I have time to…have time.  I hate relying on my grandparents, because I have always been an independent person.  It took me a long time to learn to rely on the Lord and not worry.  But He’s teaching me that relying on God also means relying on His community. Both are meeting my needs extravagantly.

How can you pray for me?  That I find a job working with youth.  I’ve applied to churches, residential facilities, and even nannying jobs.  As long as I’m able to communicate Christ, I will be fine doing whatever the job.  Pray for my spiritual life, that I keep studying Christ even when I’m not studying academically.  And last, pray for my family, that the Lord will provide their needs and start a spiritual awakening.

I hope that as I don’t have classes and 40+ hours of week, I can get back into the blogging and student ministry network!  I missed it immensely.

Value of Community

church, updates

I am twelve days away from graduation, and it’s starting to feel extremely nostalgic.  Who I was four years ago is completely different from who I am today.  It’s hard to even compare who I am to who I was, for God has done a great work in me; I’m sure that I will continue changing and perfecting in my sainthood as a disciple.

When I think my last four years at Southwest Baptist University, it’s crazy to see the way my life has gradually formed.  I have had so many groups of friends over the past few years, but my relationships with everybody have changed as we’ve grown.  This isn’t a bad thing; for I have learned what it looks like to live in community with people without seeing them every day.  This is one of the greatest lessons I have learned: community.
Growing up, I was drawn to the church because of community.  There was something about church that drew me to it, and I always assumed that it was “love” that I didn’t get at home.  I got love at home, but it was different at church.  This is probably the reason I loved youth group so much when I got to high school; I grew a family that I did everything with and that I sacrificed other things for because I believed in the group as a whole.
So college has affirmed these things and caused a paradigm shift in what church, community, and even my relationship with God look like.  I used to think that my relationship with God was “just between Him and me,” but I’m beginning to understand that this relationship is more about God and His Church.  I am important, and have individual value in His ideas; yet there is something more than the individuality that my culture has emphasized so greatly.  Worshipping God is about more than prayer, song, and reading the Bible; it can also include fellowship (and I’m not talking just potlucks).  Spending time edifying the church is an act of worship that is something I enjoy so much.  Sometimes we picture eternity and think, “Well what are we going to do all day?”  The Bible mentions that we will be worshipping God all day.  Our immediate thought (if we are really honest with ourselves) is, “We’re going to be singing all day? That doesn’t sound like too much fun.”  But worshipping God is more than just singing; it’s a communal act of just being His Church and giving Him glory.
So what does this perfected community, the Church, look like?  The Church is a community of broken people who exist to interact with their Creator…and with each other.  Our love for the individuals of the community is not based on conditions; this is something that I have heard but haven’t really seen in practice.  I have a dear friend who is the biggest gossip I know; she says the most awful things about the people close to her.  So many times I have wanted to give up and not be her friend any more, and then I realize that I can’t cut her off just because she’s sick in sin.  In 1 Corinthians, Paul tells a hilarious analogy of members of a body telling other members that they don’t need each other; if my foot had has a charley horse, should I just cut the thing off?  If my throat is sore, do I rip it out?  The Body of Christ is full of sick body parts; to cut members off because they have sin wouldn’t be beneficial for the body.  And I think about how irrational, arrogant, and impractical I have been to members of this Body; I have been thankful that people haven’t decided they didn’t need me when I wasn’t working the way that I needed to be working.  The Church helps each other through sin with humility, and is direct and truthful at all times.  The Church is also gracious, just as Christ was gracious.  And even when the community can’t get together as much as it desires, love for each other does not change even when the conditions do.
I keep that last thought in mind as I move four hours away.  Going to a Christian University is a unique opportunity; college is a time of “finding yourself,” but at a Christian college it’s more about finding out who God is and how that shapes your identity.  I have lived the past four years in community with people my own age, and it’s becoming the time for me to learn what it’s like to live in community when dispersed throughout the rest of the world.  I can imagine how freaked-out Jesus’ disciples were; they were with him, learning for three years.  Then Jesus left, and told them to get out there and do what He did.  Uh, what Jesus?  I’m not ready for this.  I haven’t learned enough.  I need you to hold my hand and show me how to do this right.  But Jesus left us His Holy Spirit to live inside the community so that we don’t have to do this alone.  So even though I might live in a different community, and learn how to do community with them, the Church hasn’t changed, and my community with those I’m leaving behind isn’t changing even though conditions are.

Update

Blogs about Heather

Hey friends!

Well, here I am, 36 days away from graduation.  I put in my two weeks at the residence facility, and announce on Sunday my pending resignation from the church. It makes this all very real.  I’ve been applying ALL OVER the place, but I’m not getting anything solid back.  Churches take soooo long, ya know?  I keep begging God to get it figured out NOW. MY timing.  But I trust that even if I’m so close without answers, it’s because there is still something to this process that I need.  That’s what I stated back at the beginning of my senior year when I began this meltdown of a journey, right?  God isn’t going to throw me the answer in order for me to trust him. He’s going to make me trust him so I can get an answer.  He wants a growing process for me.

So here I am, tying up some loose ends.  Trying to have the time of my life with the people I will miss.  Trying to teach people to take my place in organizations I am in.  Trying to get my youth in a good place for when I leave.  Praying that my residents will not take this harshly.

AHHHHHH!

Sometimes you need to scream.

:)

Also, I would like to brag: I got a 100% on my New Testament Theology exam. Bam shazamm. If only I could put that on my resume? ;)

My Evil Twin

Blogs about Heather, college, testimony

I’ve posted that I will be moving back to St. Louis in 2 months. Yes, Two months and 3 days from today, I will graduate college. I’m thrilled to move on into the next stage of life!  I am frightened about moving back to St. Louis.

Moving back to St. Louis is almost worse than moving to a place where nobody knows me.  The person who everybody thinks they know is a close copy of me, but is a completely different person than who I am now.  They know the Heather who was in high school–who desired to follow Christ but didn’t know how.  Who went out and partied to fill the gaps that remained.  Who was rude and had an anger problem.  Who couldn’t orate why she believed the things she did.

Then there’s the Heather they may be Facebook friends with.  Have you ever known somebody better on Facebook or Twitter than you did in real life?  You might really like them online; like all their statuses, retweet their links, and even have conversations with them.  But then you meet them in person, and it’s kind of nerve-wracking.  What am I to expect from this person?  What will face-to-face interaction even be like?  It’s a very strange notion that we even have these type of relationships, but such is our culture.  I’m afraid that my old friends might have painted a picture of me, but might not understand the full me or even may be disappointed with who I really am.

As I mentioned the other day, I have some mending to do with friendships.  And how does that work, exactly? I know that the way I operate relationships has changed drastically.  The way I love people is completely different than the way I “loved” people in high school.  My desires are completely different.  I find no desire in things that I used to.

So basically…I’m starting from scratch, building new relationships with people (even if I previously knew them), yet there’s this evil twin of mine that they know that’s impairing their judgement of who I am. Snap crackle pop. I just can’t seem to win right now!

Although, the idea of starting from scratch is refreshing.  I know there’s much work to do.

A “No Pain, No Gain” Theology

Blogs about Heather, christianity, depression, faith, faithfulness, testimony

I read my sister’s journal.  I don’t even feel bad about it.  She spent part of Christmas break at my apartment, and she left her journal behind.  Now I know from experience that if you truly don’t want someone reading your journal, you protect it with your life.  Not only did the girl not have a lock on it, but she left it chilling on my dining room table.  The girl was calling out for me to read it.
My family has been going through some interesting things lately.  My parents have both separately failed to provide and it has left them individually homeless.  My mother is living at a hotel and my father at his mother’s house.  My sister is left hanging in between.  There is a lot to the story that I’m not mentioning, out of honor to my parents and for the desire to protect my sister.  Needless to say, I’m angry about the situation.  I talk to my sister about it, and she won’t tell me anything negative about how she feels.  She tells me these stories of junk that they do, but shows no emotion.  I pry, and get nothing.
So when she left her journal, I jumped at the chance to read it.  And what I read, I felt.
I called her and told her I read it, because I’m a good big sister ;).  I asked her why she hadn’t been telling me what she had been feeling—because her emotions were deep and hurting.  She stated, “Heather, I’m a Christian.  God gave me these things to go through, and I just have to do it.  I can’t be angry or physically do anything about it because it’s the Christian thing to just sit through it and take it.”
What?
Since when did God command us to have no emotions?  Since when did God tell us to be content with the sin that takes place around us?
The sad thing is, my sister is not the only one who feels this way about her circumstances.  Countless Christians “just deal” with their situations because they feel that’s the “Christian” thing to do.  They say, “Well Job dealt with worse than me, and he remained faithful.”  Have you read Job?  Job remained faithful, but he also ripped his clothing and mourned over his circumstances.  Even Christ, when realizing that he would be sacrificing himself, asked God for another way.  Paul begged God three times to take the thorn in the flesh away.  These three men show us that there is no dichotomy to “being upset about a circumstance” and “trusting God.”  They can be synonymous.  It is healthy to feel emotions, even to be angry.  When you bottle that up and don’t express it, do you truly even trust God?  How can you trust God with your heart when you don’t even bear it to him?
I’m not saying you have to become “emo” and update your Facebook status every ten minutes telling everyone how crappy your life is.  What I’m saying is, mourn your circumstances.  Pray for the people hurting you.  If you have the power to change something that is hurting you, ask God for the strength to change it.  Trust that God will mold your desires to match his.  And rest in the promise that everything will work for the good of those who trust in the Lord according to His perfect will.

Personal Update

Blogs about Heather, college

Hey everybody! I haven’t posted in over a month, which is odd for me but has been the trend for a few months now…I’m going to say that I’m going to get better, but that is probably false. I took some time today to write a few posts that have been on my internal to-do list and in my journal for a while now, and they will get posted daily this week.

In my quest in trying to figure out a few things about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life when I graduate, only a few things were made clear to me: God isn’t going to divinely reveal it in a way that is clear-cut and obvious. There is a journey involved that I must go through. That being said, I tried many approaches to this journey. The angle that I went at it was trying to figure out, “What do I desire the most?”
I tried the location thing—I desire a large city. I’m not cut out for the country any more that I have tried the last four years. I have desired to move to Chicago since my freshman year of high school. My family is in St. Louis…and many other factors. I also thought about what I wanted my role in youth ministry to look like—do I want to work in a church, in a non for-profit, etc. Do I want to be full-time, part-time, etc? I like working at treatment facilities; do I want to continue that? Do I continue education and pursue seminary?

Many of my answers to those questions not only varied, but honestly didn’t matter that much to me. None of those things were things that I necessarily desired for my life; they were things that, if they happened, I’d be able to glorify God no matter what. None of those things were desires that were set apart or defined something special for me.

With the things going on in my family, I realized that the one thing I desire right now is for my sister to grow in the Lord and be rescued from her current situation (more on that tomorrow). She is the defining desire that I have right now, and if I were to go back to St. Louis I would be able to do any of the things I previously listed and still be with her.

So that’s the plan. St. Louis. That’s all I got! I’ve been applying around a bit where I can find something. I’m in a new part of my journey that is involving reevaluation of my denominational heritage and decision to continue in that (women aren’t accepted in a majority of our churches as teachers). I’m open-minded and knowing that the next 69 days are going to be crazy and essential in order to grow further :). 

2012 "Resolutions"

new years resolutions

Well, 2011 is officially over. Can you believe it?  I literally CAN’T.  There are some big decisions I have to make in the next 5 months, and I have been thinking about them for 4+ years, and now the time has come to make them!  But I’ll get to that in a bit.  Let’s take a look at the resolutions I made last year, and if I actually did them or not.

Heather’s 21 Resolutions for 2011 
1.  Go out of the country.  This is a huge one for me.  I have made up excuses for a LONG time for not doing this.  But I’m extremely convicted.  So this is going to happen.  This actually DIDN’T happen.  It’s kind of a long story, but I tried to go, very very hard.  And believed that God could provide for it with all my heart–so I’m going to call this one a win!
2.  Try saurcraut.  It’s my mom’s least favorite food, so thus I’ve never had it.   I tried it! And hated it!
3. Pick up speaking Spanish again.  I used to speak it all the time.  There’s no reason for me to lose 6 years of classes for nothing.  Well, I did speak Spanish MORE, but noone in Southwest Missouri understood me…
4.  Crash a wedding.  Uhh…Didn’t happen. I could have, but I’m just not rude like that ;)
5.  Eat pizza with anchovies. I just wanna know why everyone thinks its so fishy! ha.  Nope.
6.  I will regain my love for reading and read copious amounts of books.  I wish this happened.
7.  I will do all my homework…………………………………….maybe. The homework that counted, I did!
8.  Buy one of those page-a-day devotion calendars and read it every morning as I brush my teeth.  I did this for the majority of the time, so I call this a win!
9.  Blog once a week.  I didn’t expect to be working full time two jobs on top of school…so I failed.
10.  Sing a solo in church.  I used to all the time when I was a kid. Nope. This will be the year.
11.  Become the owner of Quelf.  HAPPENED!!!
12.  I will meet my future husband. ;)  No ring on my finger, so I dunno!
13.  Host a dance party.  Two of them, to be exact!
14.  Eat healthier (had to throw a boring one in there!)  Yep!
15.  I will whip my hair back and forth when I encounter opposition.  Duh.
16.  Double the size of my small youth group.  I am going to call this a win, although we didn’t gain any members.
17.  I will visit a beach. I have never been to a legit beach.  Dang it!
18.  I will sing in the shower at the TOP of my lungs when all my housemates are here.  No, but I played my guitar. A win.
19.  Keep track of my budget and not use my debit card even half as much.  Yes!
20.  I will not get on Facebook in class…………..maybe.  yes! most of the time.
21.  I will become addicted to the show “My Strange Addiction.”  yep!
 
 
So, I did a majority of my resolutions/bucket list.  I think this year, I have only a few things:
1.  Graduate college (a given).  But this involves the whole process of figuring out what I’m doing afterwards…
2.  Do what no woman has ever done before and become the weight on my Driver’s license (I have started an official diet, BUT this may result in getting a new license…but hey, still a lesson on humility!)
3.  Get engaged. hahahaha. This is a joke between my sister and I. . . a “joke”. . . ;)
4.  Hold both of my current jobs until I graduate. (So when I feel like quitting, I have this to look to).
5.  Be a Maid of Honor. (Okay, this is a cheat too. I already have this in the bag)
6.  Keep a prayer journal.  I haven’t journaled in a long time.  It’s time :)
7.  Start blogging again.
 
Yes.
 
This is going to be a hard year.  I already know that.  Last year was VERY hard.  I watched both my parents lose their houses last year, and are both currently “homeless”.  My sister is growing up, but not in an environment that is helping her become a young woman.  One of my favorite students died in a tragic car accident that broke me into pieces.  I learned a lot about what a friend is last year, and lost some best friends, including one of 15 years.  But this year I will continue my workaholic ways, figure out what I’m doing with the rest of my life (or at least after I graduate), try to figure out how to rewire the youth ministry program at church, and try to find a man. I mean what?  I’m so thankful that the Lord has been gracious with me.  I’m really going to do something different that makes an impact in His kingdom.  Perhaps that is the best resolution I can make!

Being Thanks

Blogs about Heather, christianity, faithfulness, testimony

I’ve been through a lot lately.  There was an incident at the residence facility that I work at that, quite honestly, gave me “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”  My mother just lost her house.  I’ve already told you about my car hitting a horse and getting totaled. Things at church are a little dry.  School has been, eh (plus I graduate in 179 days and am freakin out).  I’ve been pretty discouraged in many things.

But I remain in having hope.  I know that the Lord is faithful; I’ve attested to that many times.  I wrote about in the spring how someone said that my faith in His provision was “irrational”.  I still see Him providing.  I still remain hopeful.

Is this what you look like when you give
thanks to God in the “bad things?

This week is Thanksgiving.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I feel like God has conditioned me, no matter the circumstance, to count myself blessed and to give thanks.  Thankfulness isn’t just about being thankful FOR things, but being thankful IN ALL things.  God gives, and he takes away; but his faithfulness endures throughout it all.  Can you honestly say that you are thankful IN ALL things?  And I’m not talking about the “My life is crappy. But God is still good!” and gritting your teeth with a fake smile.  Christians do that all the time, and sometimes I feel like I hear “God is so good” when people are going through the “bad things” more than when they are going through the “good things”.  I’m talking about LIVING OUT thanks. Having a thankful SPIRIT.  Living each moment knowing that you are blessed in ALL things.

God has conditioned me to live this way!  Life is so tough sometimes. Sometimes I want to be the old, depressed, self-centered Heather that centered her problems on herself.  But God has taught me that life is so much bigger than me, that He has a bigger purpose set for me.  So when I am faced with a situation, I rarely have the attitude, “Woe is me.”  I brush it off my shoulders and wait for God’s greater purpose.  I am LIVING thankfulness.

My college pastor told me that this is a lesson that most people learn when they are old.  He said that I was blessed to have learned this now.  How much heartache am I saving myself? (not that I haven’t experienced any to get to this point ;) )

My encouragement to those reading this not to GIVE thanks, but to BE it.

(wow, that was a lot of CAPS.)

Another Ramble…what the cheese am I gonna do when I graduate?!

Blogs about Heather

I’m going to freak out for a little minute.

I hope you don’t mind.

I graduate in less than 200 days.  199 to be exact.  And I’ve been counting down for a while now. A. WHILE. It’s getting closer. And closer. It won’t let up.

Part of me is excited–I get to go literally wherever I want and do whatever I want.  I can move out of this small town and move to a city!  I won’t be in undergrad anymore (I feel like a babysitter to freshmen now).  I will have a degree that will mean something financially! (pshhh)

Most of me is terrified–What if I make the “wrong” choice?  How will I pay for this?  What if no one will hire me because I’m a girl?  My resume is nice, but is it good ENOUGH?! How will I beat all the boys?  Do I need to get married soon to continue in this  field?  WHEN will I get married?  Am I going to be single forever?  Lord, don’t make me like Paul or Jesus! God forbid!  What seminary should I go to?  Should I continue this Southern Baptist tradition, who won’t let me teach outside of small churches or being called “Youth DIRECTOR”?  Should I go somewhere that lines up strictly with my views, or more liberal?  My top 5 choices are in Louisville, Chicago, L.A., and New Orleans…can you all tell how scattered I am?!  In fact, that was only 4 choices! I can’t even count!!! How am I going to pay for this?! (I repeated this, but it’s important…and I can’t even count.)  Are my grades good enough for scholarships?  Do I really think I’m as smart as some of my friends who have gone off to Seminary? What will I do about my current position at Grace?  I’m starting to like this small town (gasps go off around me).

SIGH.

Time to make some decisions.  The Lord isn’t giving me clarity on anything at this moment, and I feel like I need to figure out everything NOW.


And I know this sounds ridiculous…but I feel like I’m deciding the rest of my life.  Usually where people go to grad school, they end up staying.

And this might sound more ridiculous (especially to all who know how independent and self-sufficient I am)…but I kind of wish I had that “ring by spring” so that a man could make all of my decisions for me.  Like, it would help me if I had a husband to dictate.  Gasps again.

What is happening to me?!?!

Okay, I’m done rambling. Again.

Me, Calm? Pshhh

Blogs about Heather, identity, spiritual gifts, testimony

Over the past few months, I have seen myself involuntarily becoming more and more like Christ.  Not that I don’t want to become like Christ; that is my biggest desire while I’m here on earth.  It’s just I’ll look back at the “Old Heather” and go, “Wow, I sure don’t like the same things I used to; the things in life that brought me pleasure are not the same things that bring me pleasure now.”

For example, I used to shake my booty to all kinds of music…and now I can’t stand to listen to the Top 40 radio station. I don’t think music has gotten “worse”, because I’ll look back at the things I used to kick it to, and go, “Why did this ever bring me joy?”

Of course I’m writing about something greater than my booty-shaking.  If you know me, you know that (minimally) I have a loud personality.  I speak out of turn, I laugh L O U D, I say what’s on my mind, and I am not the definition of “calm”.  I’m emotional, and that drives all the things I listed.  So I think about a few things that have happened to me in the last month–totaling my car on a horse on the highway at midnight, losing an eighth grade girl who means the world to me, and one of the residents at the girls’ shelter trying to kick down my door to kill me.  The Old Heather would have freaked out in each of those situations.  She would have cried hysterically.  She might have harmed herself, emotionally or physically.  She would have blamed God; she would have failed to see His mercy in any of this; she wouldn’t have looked at the positive; she wouldn’t have been able to testify of God’s grace through these situations.  Who I am today is not the same person I was when God chose my heart.  He has conformed me to the likeness of His Son in ways that are inexplicable.  I am still loud; I am still driven by emotions.  But I understand God’s purposes a bit better, and have been blessed by the Spirit’s gifts of discernment, wisdom, patience.  Even in a time right now, where I’m having a dry patch with the Lord, does He call on me, choose me, and change my heart.  I don’t deserve any of it.  And this blind-sided me; that I would ever go through situations like these and BE CALM IN THE LORD.

“since I got that call, no more Saul, now I’m Paul.” –Kirk Franklin, “Lose My Soul” with Toby Mac.