Author: Heather Lea Campbell

My Identity Crisis

Blogs about Heather, faithfulness, identity, spiritual gifts

I’m a fresh graduate with a Bachelor’s of Science in Christian Ministry with an emphasis in Youth and a minor in Theology.

While that feels good to SAY, it’s not doing me much good right now.  In a leap of faith, or stupidity, or something like that, I moved back to St. Louis in order to help out with my family.  And while the last month has been fruitful in my relationship with my sister, moving her into my grandparents and giving her somebody constant for once in her life, I am still unemployed. I’m not one to not have anything to do; last year I was a full-time student, worked a draining job for 32+ hours a week, and also worked at a church.  So I was pretty stinking busy!  This month has been great, but I’m out of money, out of patience, and out of sanity.

It’s not all my fault that I’m unemployed, let’s be honest.  I’ve been offered three jobs, but I rejected them, knowing that there is SOMETHING out there that is hand-picked, God-ordained for me.  In my confusion, I applied for a Children’s Minister position in a very rich West County suburb of St. Louis.  Does any part of that sentence make sense to anyone?  I got very far in the process, and basically had it when I woke up one morning and said, “NO.”  What was I thinking?  I’ve been called to ministry with TEENAGERS.  My spiritual gifts of exhortation and teaching would be extremely overlooked in children’s ministry.  Could I have done a “good” job?  Of course.  But I wouldn’t be serving the body of Christ properly had I taken that job.  


All this to say, this summer has been CRAZY. I thought the identity crises would end when I exited college, but they seem to be even worse among me and my fellow college graduates!  It’s weird having a degree, and feeling like you have to beg someone to hire you.  It’s harder having a degree in ministry, knowing that God has called you to something and trying to be faithful to that; yet still not having a way to pay bills. But have I mentioned how faithful GOD has been?  He has been so faithful in providing all of my needs, and I am reminded of how He IS my identity, and all I really need is in Him.  I also humbly remind myself and my colleagues that ministry isn’t a position, but a calling.  I don’t need to be in a church to do ministry.  Ministry is my LIFE.


I have an interview on Tuesday with an organization that helps at-risk youth around STL.  I’m excited about the opportunity, yet sad because I have to start with an overnight position and try to work my way up.  But hey, it’s full-time, pretty good pay, plus I get benefits.  Not gonna complain if I get it!  And it’s better than the other jobs I’ve been offered, because I am confident that my gifts can be used to edify the Church, even if it’s not in a church.

Update! :)

updates

Happy Summer everybody! What is going on in my life?

Last week I went to New Jersey for a wedding.  I was Maid of Honor!  I couldn’t believe that I was selected for this role, as I live in Missouri and don’t consider myself to have “regular” contact with the bride.  But there were more important factors that have honestly been a theme throughout our relationship:  Christ.  I talked about this in my non-alcoholic toast; Katie and I have not always been the most compatible friends, but that didn’t matter; we sought each other out because we were the only ladies in our high school graduating class who sought after the Lord.  So 8 years of friendship later, I’m ripping my dress up the stage as her MOH.  The experience really added to my ponderings of what Christian community looks like.

This three weeks of unemployment is really teaching me that.  I quit all my jobs on a leap of faith and moved to STL, in with my grandparents so that I could sort out things within my family.  I almost regret it, because I don’t have a job yet and I am NOT not the type of person to not do anything.  At the same time, it’s relaxing.  I’m finding peace.  I have time to…have time.  I hate relying on my grandparents, because I have always been an independent person.  It took me a long time to learn to rely on the Lord and not worry.  But He’s teaching me that relying on God also means relying on His community. Both are meeting my needs extravagantly.

How can you pray for me?  That I find a job working with youth.  I’ve applied to churches, residential facilities, and even nannying jobs.  As long as I’m able to communicate Christ, I will be fine doing whatever the job.  Pray for my spiritual life, that I keep studying Christ even when I’m not studying academically.  And last, pray for my family, that the Lord will provide their needs and start a spiritual awakening.

I hope that as I don’t have classes and 40+ hours of week, I can get back into the blogging and student ministry network!  I missed it immensely.

Value of Community

church, updates

I am twelve days away from graduation, and it’s starting to feel extremely nostalgic.  Who I was four years ago is completely different from who I am today.  It’s hard to even compare who I am to who I was, for God has done a great work in me; I’m sure that I will continue changing and perfecting in my sainthood as a disciple.

When I think my last four years at Southwest Baptist University, it’s crazy to see the way my life has gradually formed.  I have had so many groups of friends over the past few years, but my relationships with everybody have changed as we’ve grown.  This isn’t a bad thing; for I have learned what it looks like to live in community with people without seeing them every day.  This is one of the greatest lessons I have learned: community.
Growing up, I was drawn to the church because of community.  There was something about church that drew me to it, and I always assumed that it was “love” that I didn’t get at home.  I got love at home, but it was different at church.  This is probably the reason I loved youth group so much when I got to high school; I grew a family that I did everything with and that I sacrificed other things for because I believed in the group as a whole.
So college has affirmed these things and caused a paradigm shift in what church, community, and even my relationship with God look like.  I used to think that my relationship with God was “just between Him and me,” but I’m beginning to understand that this relationship is more about God and His Church.  I am important, and have individual value in His ideas; yet there is something more than the individuality that my culture has emphasized so greatly.  Worshipping God is about more than prayer, song, and reading the Bible; it can also include fellowship (and I’m not talking just potlucks).  Spending time edifying the church is an act of worship that is something I enjoy so much.  Sometimes we picture eternity and think, “Well what are we going to do all day?”  The Bible mentions that we will be worshipping God all day.  Our immediate thought (if we are really honest with ourselves) is, “We’re going to be singing all day? That doesn’t sound like too much fun.”  But worshipping God is more than just singing; it’s a communal act of just being His Church and giving Him glory.
So what does this perfected community, the Church, look like?  The Church is a community of broken people who exist to interact with their Creator…and with each other.  Our love for the individuals of the community is not based on conditions; this is something that I have heard but haven’t really seen in practice.  I have a dear friend who is the biggest gossip I know; she says the most awful things about the people close to her.  So many times I have wanted to give up and not be her friend any more, and then I realize that I can’t cut her off just because she’s sick in sin.  In 1 Corinthians, Paul tells a hilarious analogy of members of a body telling other members that they don’t need each other; if my foot had has a charley horse, should I just cut the thing off?  If my throat is sore, do I rip it out?  The Body of Christ is full of sick body parts; to cut members off because they have sin wouldn’t be beneficial for the body.  And I think about how irrational, arrogant, and impractical I have been to members of this Body; I have been thankful that people haven’t decided they didn’t need me when I wasn’t working the way that I needed to be working.  The Church helps each other through sin with humility, and is direct and truthful at all times.  The Church is also gracious, just as Christ was gracious.  And even when the community can’t get together as much as it desires, love for each other does not change even when the conditions do.
I keep that last thought in mind as I move four hours away.  Going to a Christian University is a unique opportunity; college is a time of “finding yourself,” but at a Christian college it’s more about finding out who God is and how that shapes your identity.  I have lived the past four years in community with people my own age, and it’s becoming the time for me to learn what it’s like to live in community when dispersed throughout the rest of the world.  I can imagine how freaked-out Jesus’ disciples were; they were with him, learning for three years.  Then Jesus left, and told them to get out there and do what He did.  Uh, what Jesus?  I’m not ready for this.  I haven’t learned enough.  I need you to hold my hand and show me how to do this right.  But Jesus left us His Holy Spirit to live inside the community so that we don’t have to do this alone.  So even though I might live in a different community, and learn how to do community with them, the Church hasn’t changed, and my community with those I’m leaving behind isn’t changing even though conditions are.

Update

Blogs about Heather

Hey friends!

Well, here I am, 36 days away from graduation.  I put in my two weeks at the residence facility, and announce on Sunday my pending resignation from the church. It makes this all very real.  I’ve been applying ALL OVER the place, but I’m not getting anything solid back.  Churches take soooo long, ya know?  I keep begging God to get it figured out NOW. MY timing.  But I trust that even if I’m so close without answers, it’s because there is still something to this process that I need.  That’s what I stated back at the beginning of my senior year when I began this meltdown of a journey, right?  God isn’t going to throw me the answer in order for me to trust him. He’s going to make me trust him so I can get an answer.  He wants a growing process for me.

So here I am, tying up some loose ends.  Trying to have the time of my life with the people I will miss.  Trying to teach people to take my place in organizations I am in.  Trying to get my youth in a good place for when I leave.  Praying that my residents will not take this harshly.

AHHHHHH!

Sometimes you need to scream.

:)

Also, I would like to brag: I got a 100% on my New Testament Theology exam. Bam shazamm. If only I could put that on my resume? ;)

My Evil Twin

Blogs about Heather, college, testimony

I’ve posted that I will be moving back to St. Louis in 2 months. Yes, Two months and 3 days from today, I will graduate college. I’m thrilled to move on into the next stage of life!  I am frightened about moving back to St. Louis.

Moving back to St. Louis is almost worse than moving to a place where nobody knows me.  The person who everybody thinks they know is a close copy of me, but is a completely different person than who I am now.  They know the Heather who was in high school–who desired to follow Christ but didn’t know how.  Who went out and partied to fill the gaps that remained.  Who was rude and had an anger problem.  Who couldn’t orate why she believed the things she did.

Then there’s the Heather they may be Facebook friends with.  Have you ever known somebody better on Facebook or Twitter than you did in real life?  You might really like them online; like all their statuses, retweet their links, and even have conversations with them.  But then you meet them in person, and it’s kind of nerve-wracking.  What am I to expect from this person?  What will face-to-face interaction even be like?  It’s a very strange notion that we even have these type of relationships, but such is our culture.  I’m afraid that my old friends might have painted a picture of me, but might not understand the full me or even may be disappointed with who I really am.

As I mentioned the other day, I have some mending to do with friendships.  And how does that work, exactly? I know that the way I operate relationships has changed drastically.  The way I love people is completely different than the way I “loved” people in high school.  My desires are completely different.  I find no desire in things that I used to.

So basically…I’m starting from scratch, building new relationships with people (even if I previously knew them), yet there’s this evil twin of mine that they know that’s impairing their judgement of who I am. Snap crackle pop. I just can’t seem to win right now!

Although, the idea of starting from scratch is refreshing.  I know there’s much work to do.

The Worldy Value of Having a BFF

Uncategorized

The other day my mentor and I met, and although we rarely get to see each other, we are constantly blessing one another.  Our friendship is proof that relationships with other humans do not need to be based on conditions, nor do you need to go out of your way to prove your love for someone.  When two people are in Christ, relationships can be made easier and more fruitful.
One lie that I had been struggling with is the fact that I don’t have a “best friend” anymore.  I have gone through many “best friends,” and “broke up” with my constant for the last 15 years more than six months ago.  I’ve been very upset about our situation, and have only talked to few people about it.  I honestly don’t understand why.  Perhaps I am embarrassed—I acted as if I didn’t need a best friend here at SBU because I had someone back home.  But as we grew older and changed, we grew apart.
I have many fruitful relationships for which I am very blessed.  I have friends who I am close with.  But my mentor and I talked about how I struggle with the need to give someone that title of best friend.  What does that title even mean?  It means that I always hang out with them, that I’m never without them, that part of my identity as a person is tied to them.
Wait, I don’t want that.
My mentor is also an extrovert, and she stated she didn’t have a best friend either.  We talked about it and really thought this through—both of us struggle with it and neither of us really understood it.  We realized that the need for a best friend wouldn’t really help us as people.  One, I don’t want my identity tied to a human being.  Sorry to all the lovely people reading this, but I don’t want you to define me.  Secondly, I get bored hanging out with the same people over and over again.  Once again, I’m super sad I have to say this to you.  I like variety in my life, and want to spread my awesomeness to as many people as I can ;).  But most importantly, I don’t want someone else expecting those things from me.  I fail quite a bit, and I don’t want someone’s identity crumbling because I screwed up; I don’t want to hurt someone when I decide to hang out with someone else and not invite them.  I’ve been hurt by those things in the past, and I don’t want that for life.
I also feel like those aren’t Godly things.  Our identity is to be found in Christ, not man.  Christ, while on earth, did not tie himself to one group of people.  Yes, Jesus had people that he developed close relationships with; he had people who he discipled on a personal level and invited to travel with him to minister.  Yet Christ took time to go pray alone, and even to go talk to others without them (Hello, Samaritan woman?).
I want fruitful relationships.  The relationship that I have with my mentor is fantastic, and I have many more like them.  But I don’t find my identity in any of them.  If you have been following my blog for a while, you know that I used to find my identity in the affirmation of others.  I don’t want that anymore.  If that means not having a “BFF”, I’m “toates” okay with that.

It Don’t Matter If I’m Young

Uncategorized

Going through the process of finding a new job is just weird.  I know a few specifics of what I’m being “called to”, but I don’t know much.  There is this lie that trips me up that says, “What Baptist church is going to hire a 22 year-old single female?”

Interesting enough, I found some hope in Ecclesiastes (Imagine that!).  In the concluding chapters, it says (in the Heather Version): “Rejoice in your youth and do what you want.  But remember that God will judge you for all those things.  Remember God while you are YOUNG, before all the hard years come with trial after trial.  Remember him before your body gets old—when your body falls apart, your teeth fall out, you can’t see or hear anything, your voice weakens, you can’t sleep at night, you get paranoid and overprotective and don’t take any more risks, your hair grays, and you don’t ‘desire’ anymore.  Rejoice in him before you return to dust and your spirit returns to God.”
My culture tells me to get all the bad things out of my system now—to go ahead and party, drink copious amounts of alcohol, have sex with whoever I want, and to be selfish.  A “Boys Will Be Boys” kind of theology.  Solomon here says, “Sure, you can do whatever you want…But remember God still judges you for these things.  In fact, you should be using this time to take ADVANTAGE of being able to do things for God, because one day you won’t be able to.”
Generally speaking, young people can serve God easier.  Young people are the ones who are asked to do disaster relief; they are stronger, faster, and have the time.  Young people are not as burdened with some of the weights of this world; this can include financial weights as well as some of the burdens that come with growing older such as death and heartbreak.  Young people have more energy and can devote more time to getting things accomplished for the kingdom.
Older people have a lot to bring to the kingdom, too.  God did not make a mistake with making aging—if he only desired older people, we’d all be born in our 60s.  And if God thought all we needed was the benefits that come with being young, we’d be in our 20s forever.
This passage was of great encouragement to me.  I shared it with some of my students, and they couldn’t get past the whole “Solomon is saying our body is gonna fall apart” thing.  Solomon’s point in that depressing message is, “Why wait until you are older to do work for God?  Do it now.”
God affirmed this truth in me with Andy Mineo’s song “Young.” Listen to it :)

A “No Pain, No Gain” Theology

Blogs about Heather, christianity, depression, faith, faithfulness, testimony

I read my sister’s journal.  I don’t even feel bad about it.  She spent part of Christmas break at my apartment, and she left her journal behind.  Now I know from experience that if you truly don’t want someone reading your journal, you protect it with your life.  Not only did the girl not have a lock on it, but she left it chilling on my dining room table.  The girl was calling out for me to read it.
My family has been going through some interesting things lately.  My parents have both separately failed to provide and it has left them individually homeless.  My mother is living at a hotel and my father at his mother’s house.  My sister is left hanging in between.  There is a lot to the story that I’m not mentioning, out of honor to my parents and for the desire to protect my sister.  Needless to say, I’m angry about the situation.  I talk to my sister about it, and she won’t tell me anything negative about how she feels.  She tells me these stories of junk that they do, but shows no emotion.  I pry, and get nothing.
So when she left her journal, I jumped at the chance to read it.  And what I read, I felt.
I called her and told her I read it, because I’m a good big sister ;).  I asked her why she hadn’t been telling me what she had been feeling—because her emotions were deep and hurting.  She stated, “Heather, I’m a Christian.  God gave me these things to go through, and I just have to do it.  I can’t be angry or physically do anything about it because it’s the Christian thing to just sit through it and take it.”
What?
Since when did God command us to have no emotions?  Since when did God tell us to be content with the sin that takes place around us?
The sad thing is, my sister is not the only one who feels this way about her circumstances.  Countless Christians “just deal” with their situations because they feel that’s the “Christian” thing to do.  They say, “Well Job dealt with worse than me, and he remained faithful.”  Have you read Job?  Job remained faithful, but he also ripped his clothing and mourned over his circumstances.  Even Christ, when realizing that he would be sacrificing himself, asked God for another way.  Paul begged God three times to take the thorn in the flesh away.  These three men show us that there is no dichotomy to “being upset about a circumstance” and “trusting God.”  They can be synonymous.  It is healthy to feel emotions, even to be angry.  When you bottle that up and don’t express it, do you truly even trust God?  How can you trust God with your heart when you don’t even bear it to him?
I’m not saying you have to become “emo” and update your Facebook status every ten minutes telling everyone how crappy your life is.  What I’m saying is, mourn your circumstances.  Pray for the people hurting you.  If you have the power to change something that is hurting you, ask God for the strength to change it.  Trust that God will mold your desires to match his.  And rest in the promise that everything will work for the good of those who trust in the Lord according to His perfect will.

Personal Update

Blogs about Heather, college

Hey everybody! I haven’t posted in over a month, which is odd for me but has been the trend for a few months now…I’m going to say that I’m going to get better, but that is probably false. I took some time today to write a few posts that have been on my internal to-do list and in my journal for a while now, and they will get posted daily this week.

In my quest in trying to figure out a few things about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life when I graduate, only a few things were made clear to me: God isn’t going to divinely reveal it in a way that is clear-cut and obvious. There is a journey involved that I must go through. That being said, I tried many approaches to this journey. The angle that I went at it was trying to figure out, “What do I desire the most?”
I tried the location thing—I desire a large city. I’m not cut out for the country any more that I have tried the last four years. I have desired to move to Chicago since my freshman year of high school. My family is in St. Louis…and many other factors. I also thought about what I wanted my role in youth ministry to look like—do I want to work in a church, in a non for-profit, etc. Do I want to be full-time, part-time, etc? I like working at treatment facilities; do I want to continue that? Do I continue education and pursue seminary?

Many of my answers to those questions not only varied, but honestly didn’t matter that much to me. None of those things were things that I necessarily desired for my life; they were things that, if they happened, I’d be able to glorify God no matter what. None of those things were desires that were set apart or defined something special for me.

With the things going on in my family, I realized that the one thing I desire right now is for my sister to grow in the Lord and be rescued from her current situation (more on that tomorrow). She is the defining desire that I have right now, and if I were to go back to St. Louis I would be able to do any of the things I previously listed and still be with her.

So that’s the plan. St. Louis. That’s all I got! I’ve been applying around a bit where I can find something. I’m in a new part of my journey that is involving reevaluation of my denominational heritage and decision to continue in that (women aren’t accepted in a majority of our churches as teachers). I’m open-minded and knowing that the next 69 days are going to be crazy and essential in order to grow further :). 

Update!

Uncategorized

So, my roommate and I decided to live like poor people and not buy internet.  And seeing as I can’t even text on my Android, I sure won’t be blogging from it!  haha.

I’m 105 days from my undergraduate degree in Christian Ministry with an emphasis in Youth and a minor in Theology. I almost sound intelligent! ;)

I have been on a journey the last four years trying to figure out God’s will for my life.  He made it very clear to me that He wasn’t going to reveal it to me with a clear-cut, obvious answer. He was going to put me through a process.  I was frustrated.  But I like it.  More on that later ;)

So, I’m beginning to apply around to some churches in the St. Louis area.  I think God is calling me back there, for various reasons…mostly because my teenage sister is the most important teenager in my life.

My job at the shelter is crazy as ever as well!  Every day, I seem to encounter a new situation. God is teaching me so much and forcing me to grow up.  A lot of people are telling me how I have my act together, and only am 22.  I don’t believe that ;)  I DO know that it’s only by the grace of God that I have anything at all.  Not in a cheesy way or anything…this is real talk.

Anywho…I have a list of things I want to blog about, and I will get to it soon (105 days? ;))

Thanks everyone for your private prayers.

Blessings,
Heather