Blogs about Heather

Christian-Speak #3–Apologies

christian-speak series, identity

To me, one of the greatest proofs of the unity of the Body of Christ is when we humble ourselves and come to each other when we offend each other.

I realized this over the past month, when a member of my church came to me when they thought they offended me.  They didn’t even need me to say anything, they knew they messed up. I almost cried because I thought it was so beautiful for them to come to me, admit they screwed up, then proceed to tell me what God is doing in them and how I could pray for them. Wow!  The other day, I had a professor apologize to me, which I thought was overwhelming–that a professor humbled himself to my lowly, undergrad level when they knew they said the wrong thing.  I realized that this is what the Body should be doing–humbling ourselves when we have done something wrong.

What I think is ridiculous is this:  When we come to each other, and say, “You know, this certain thing you said to me really offended me.”  Maybe explain why it offended you, maybe say that you’ve been struggling with that thing for a while.  And what does the other person say?  “You need to find your identity in the Lord, not in what I say.”  What?  No apology?  You’re not going to admit you were wrong?  So, I can say whatever I want now, offend whoever I want, and I can smooth it over with “Don’t find your identity in what I say, but in God.”

That is one of the most unloving things I have ever heard.  Even if the person does struggle with identity issues, is this really a result of that?  Could it be possible that you just had a moment of word-vomit and said something out of love?

Think before you speak, Christians.  If we aren’t humbling ourselves with each other, how are we going to humble ourselves in order to serve the world?

Comment and tell me what you think!

A Pride of Pride

identity, testimony

I don’t think I knew I had a pride problem up until a month or so ago.  I thought I had a “normal” amount of pride, but I didn’t realize that this is something that I struggle with, something that I have to put an “extra” amount of fight into.

Pride is like a dandelion.  Dandelions root deep into your yard.  They are terribly hard to get rid of.  It requires digging them deep from the root, or even chemicals.  If you have just one dandelion, it could spread and infect your whole yard.  And if you are living next to a yard with dandelions in it, it WILL spread to your yard.  So sometimes we just ignore the dandelion.  Call it a “flower” when it’s really a weed.  We let it grow all over the yard, blend into our flower beds, and it gets out of control. Very easily. In order to get it under control, it requires almost daily maintenance.  It sucks.

Pride roots deep into us, and is incredibly difficult to get rid of.  In order to get rid of pride, we have to dig into the root of it (our innate desire to sin?).  It requires deep cleansing, deep chemicals to get rid of it.  It requires finding our identity in God, soaking ourself with the word.  If we are surrounded by people with pride issues, it is going to impact us and we are going to struggle with pride as well.  Sometimes, we choose to ignore that we have a pride problem.  We justify it by saying that our behavior is part of being someone in authority; or that it isn’t pride, it’s happiness or loving who we are.  When in fact, it’s our own conceit.  By justifying it, pride turns into other sins, and chokes the progress we have made and negates our progress.  In order to get rid of pride, we have to daily remind ourselves to be humble and get in God’s Word.

I don’t know when I started being prideful.  Perhaps it was there all along, perhaps it just developed, but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore.  I know that it roots in my lack of self-confidence, so I would buff myself up to make myself feel better.  I know it roots in that I do a lot of things, yet I forget to include God in it all the time.  I know that my pride has crept into my schoolwork, my relationships with my friends, my relationships with the opposite sex, and my position in church.  I know that in order to fight this, I’m going to have to remind myself every day of humility.  I’m going to have to fight this problem as if I’m fighting dandelions.

If you are reading this, and you have been hurt by my pride and snobbery, I am deeply sorry.  Pray for me to grow and become humble.  I have taken some steps already, but I know that I can’t do this without God and without a community of believers praying for me.

I thought this was a funny tattoo. and appropriate :)

This Semester…and other rambling! :)

Blogs about Heather, music

Well, this semester is going to be very interesting, very difficult, and very worth it!  I’m taking two upper-level Bible courses, Life and Teachings of Jesus Christ and Pentateuch.  I was convicted to take Pentateuch after realizing that some of my students probably know more about Genesis than me (they are also focusing on that in Sunday School, so that adds to it!).  I love Dr. Bayer, he is one of the funniest professors I have ever had!  He’s very intelligent, yet funny at the same time.  And scatter-brained.  I bet that if I were an old man who taught Old Testament and knew Hebrew I would be just like Dr. Bayer. pahahaha.  As for Life and Teachings, I’m pretty pumped and rightly nervous.  I heard this class is going to rock my faith and cause me to ask a lot of questions.  I’m excited to learn about what Jesus was really like, not the Jesus that we have fit into our Americanized Christianity.

Speaking of, here is an image that I found today and thought was interesting:

I’m also taking Principles of Teaching, an easy yet informative class; Camp and Retreat Administration, which I heard mixed things about but am excited about; Guitar, enough said pahaha; History of Christianity 2, which I’m getting used to Dr. Bass so I’m sure I will do well; and Apprenticeship.  Apprenticeship is a class where I document every single little thing I do with my youth group.  Dr. Jones, beware.  I do a lot.  I don’t think he understands exactly what he is asking of me.  But I am excited to learn how to baptize people and all that other cool stuff that you don’t learn in theology classes.

Which also brings me to another ramble, I’m officially a theology minor. Oh yesh. I’m getting smarter by the second. And more arrogant.  Which reminds me… please pray for me, that I will be more humble.  I’m really struggling with my pride.  The only pride that I want to have is a pride full of lion’s (Lecrae song reference!).  Thank you guys for affirming me privately about who I am in Christ.  It means a whole lot.

Mirror, Mirror

christianity, god, identity

What if my relationship with the mirror “reflected” my relationship with God?

(hahahaha, I had to make that pun)

I was thinking about this tonight as I was preparing to go out–how many times do you look in the mirror?  When you get up in the morning and get ready, you spend a good thirty or so minutes  in front of the mirror.  When you brush your teeth that two or three times a day, you look in the mirror.  How about each time you use the bathroom, do you check yourself out in the mirror while washing your hands?  Before you leave to go somewhere, quick look in the mirror to make sure there are no blemishes or marks or food on your face?  And even when just passing one of the many mirrors around us, take a look?  Pull out your phone to look after eating to check your teeth?

The point is, we look in the mirror NUMEROUS times throughout the day, even if you are not particularly narcissistic.  You spend a lot of time in it the morning, and probably quite a bit before going to bed at night.  Throughout the day you are continuously interacting with the mirror.  What if our relationship with God was the same?  What if we interacted with God and “checked in” with him all throughout the day instead of compartmentalizing him into one part of the day?

How about this–what if we relied on God like we do mirrors?  When you look in the mirror, do you ever doubt what you see?  What if you thought about God like this?  And when you look to God to give you truth about who you are, whether it’s to affirm your identity or reveal blemishes, how do you react?  Do you believe him and do something about it, or act like the mirror is a funhouse mirror?

I pray that I might spend as much time with God at least as much I do in front of the mirror, and certainly as often.  I pray that I might rely on God like I do mirrors to reflect my divine image and to reveal my blemishes and the areas I’m screwing up in.

My Visit to Seminary

Blogs about Heather, college, youth ministry

I had the opportunity this week to visit a seminary.  To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to think.  Going into college, I was just excited about getting an undergrad degree.  As college progressed, I began to think more and more about seminary.  Seminary is basically grad school that is only focused on theological degrees.

The same concerns that I had before visiting seminary are the same concerns I have now.  Which is discouraging, but at the same time all my questions were answered and now I have a lot to think about.

Here are some of the things I’m thinking about.

  1. Seminary seems like an extension of my undergraduate degree in ministry.  Most of the people who attend seminary have their undergraduate in something completely unrelated to ministry or theology.  Most of the classes they are taking I have already taken.  Granted, they are at a much higher level of difficulty, but they are similar.  A lot of churches require for youth ministers to have a seminary degree, but I wonder if, because my undergrad is essentially the same thing, if it really matters.
  2. If in fact it does matter, do I want to be in a church that requires seminary?  I know that it’s extremely important to have training in theology and such; that is why my undergrad is in ministry. Duhhh.  But I don’t know if I desire to work in a fancy-pants church.  I honestly would rather just go to the inner-city and live among the desperate and give them the raw gospel.  You don’t need seminary to do that.  Heck, you don’t need college to do that.  Yet I am in college trying to make myself smarter.  I’m afraid that if I get any smarter, I’ll become super-arrogant.  I’ve exhibited the signs.  There may be no turning back.
  3. Also, what is more important, education or experience?  I’m completing an undergrad in ministry, a program similar to many seminaries.  I am also already a youth minister while in college.  Who will someone hire, a person who graduated from seminary, or a person who has already served as the head honcho of a youth group for a few years?  I’m just saying.
  4. Am I going to be able to use the extra theology in ministry?  Again this comes back to arrogance.  I don’t want to make myself so smart, that I’m not able to relate to teenagers anymore (especially inner-city teens).  There was one guy that I talked to this week, and he has a similar path that I’m taking-undergrad in youthmin, youthminister at a church, attending seminary.  When I asked if he’s applying seminary, he didn’t convince me with his answer.  He then revealed he’s thinking about becoming a head pastor one day, and then it was clear to me that his seminary classes were more for that.
  5. I’m a girl. *shock*  From what I hear, the girls on a seminary campus are one of two breeds: super-shy awkward girl or super-crazy liberal feminist.  I’m neither.  My theology is surprisingly to some not feminist (even though I’m a female in ministry) and I’m not shy and not awkward by accident.  I also heard that females on campus are like cars-taken or broken. Soooo basically…… well I don’t have to say how that makes me feel (pretty self-explanatory).

Readers, don’t think that I’m saying seminary isn’t important.  I’m just orating the thoughts sprouting into my head so that I can iron them out.  Any feedback would be nice :)

Oh, also, if you are a youth minister who went to a seminary, you mind giving me your outlook?

New Design? yes :) Oh yeah, and some resolutions.

new years resolutions

Well, you know me.  Can’t sit still for too long.  So I redid the background a little.  I wanted things to look a little more polished, and I hope this accomplishes that.  I hope.

So I’m normally not into resolutions, but I decided this year to adopt a “bucket list” of things to do.

Ps, the origin of the term “bucket list” comes from the term “kick the bucket”, which means to die.  So essentially a bucket list is a list of things that a person wishes to do before they die.  But hey, since the world is ending in 2012, I guess this list can work the same way ;)

Heather’s 21 Resolutions for 2011 
(Why 21? because I turn 21 in 10 days :D)
1.  Go out of the country.  This is a huge one for me.  I have made up excuses for a LONG time for not doing this.  But I’m extremely convicted.  So this is going to happen.
2.  Try saurcraut.  It’s my mom’s least favorite food, so thus I’ve never had it.
3. Pick up speaking Spanish again.  I used to speak it all the time.  There’s no reason for me to lose 6 years of classes for nothing.
4.  Crash a wedding.
5.  Eat pizza with anchovies. I just wanna know why everyone thinks its so fishy! ha.
6.  I will regain my love for reading and read copious amounts of books.
7.  I will do all my homework…………………………………….maybe.
8.  Buy one of those page-a-day devotion calendars and read it every morning as I brush my teeth.
9.  Blog once a week.
10.  Sing a solo in church.  I used to all the time when I was a kid.
11.  Become the owner of Quelf.
12.  I will meet my future husband. ;)
13.  Host a dance party.
14.  Eat healthier (had to throw a boring one in there!)
15.  I will whip my hair back and forth when I encounter opposition.
16.  Double the size of my small youth group.
17.  I will visit a beach. I have never been to a legit beach.
18.  I will sing in the shower at the TOP of my lungs when all my housemates are here.
19.  Keep track of my budget and not use my debit card even half as much.
20.  I will not get on Facebook in class…………..maybe.
21.  I will become addicted to the show “My Strange Addiction.”

What are some of your Resolutions? :)

Great is Thy Faithfulness

faithfulness, god, testimony

I had a rough day, so I need to remind myself of all of the things that God has specifically done for me as an individual to exhibit his Great Faithfulness.

God showed his grace to my sister, and she is now a passionate follower…and sometimes gives me great wisdom :)

When I prayed for an internship, he gave me one that rocked my world, changed my life, and affirmed my passion in ministry.

When I prayed for Christian fellowship while home in STL, it was granted in ways I never expected. I found new friendships and strengthened old ones.

I asked for more Christian brothers. And I now have a plethora, and that list grows seriously daily.

I begged God to send me Christian women. Through my internship, I met some wonderful women who constantly bless my life.

God sent a few people recently who revealed that I had blessed their Christian walks when I was young. Like, real young. One remembered my name from meeting me when I was 12 and contacted me.  Another was a Sunday School teacher.  God showed me how I have developed since. Amazing :)

God granted my prayer and has sent me some truth-tellers who tell me like it is. I can now reform.

God always provided when my parents couldn’t.

After my internship, I asked, “Now what?”  And God showed me what I desired most, and then gave it to me. I am a youth minister now. Still weird to say out loud.

When I was mad at God for not letting me be an RA this year, he showed me that’s not what I really wanted. I desired true discipleship, and there were much greater ways for me to do that.  Then he gave me this amazing discipleship group that I get to hang out with. And they like listening to me talk. whoa, God is crazy good :)

God gave me the most amazing rainbow of my life in the middle of a time where I was distressed.

For years and years and years I begged God to help me get rid of my depression.  I read a chapter of a book (and i don’t EVER read, unfortunately) and almost overnight I was better.

Every time I’ve ever prayed for a job, I’ve gotten one.

I’ve prayed away heartaches, headaches, hunger, and lack of heat. God always provides.

I get comments on my blogs sometimes. Always a prayer answered, that maybe something I have said resonates with someone besides myself :)

My Identity: Affirmation

christianity, identity, testimony
(PS, 50TH BLOG POST! :D)

If you knew who I was before this summer and compared it to me now, you would recognize that I am a completely different person.  Really, I have been constantly reforming my life and personality since my senior year of high school.  The difference this time is, I am truly happy and I credit that to the discovery of who I am.

Freshman year of college, I took a class called Spiritual Formations, and in that class we talked a lot about identity.  This is something that I have been constantly hearing and contemplating on—what am I putting my identity in?  I generally figured that I hadn’t been putting it in Christ.  Well, I have finally realized what I put my identity in.
I put my identity in affirmation from others.  I always have.  Affirmation, for me, comes in forms of attention, gifts, time, and more.  I find that whatever we put our identity in, we become irrational about the subject.  So if a few people couldn’t come to my birthday party because they had the flu, I would decide that they hated me and that I was a piece of crap.  If someone wouldn’t text me back, it’s because they didn’t feel I was important enough to contact.  If someone who called me their close friend didn’t invite me to every single thing they did, it was because they didn’t want to hang out with me.  For some reading this, this might sound irrational and crazy.  To others of you, this is your reality.
I’ve never felt “loved”, not by the world’s standards of love at least.  I was never the most popular or the first pick for anything.  I never felt the kind of love I felt I should get (or honestly deserved to get) from my parents, my friends, or anyone.  So I would whore myself out to get love.  I would put myself at the center of attention to feel affirmed.  Whether it was putting myself into inappropriate positions with boys, fighting hard to become the leader of an organization, or having a temper tantrum to get my parents to notice me, I tried to grant myself love and affirmation.
The thing is, I didn’t have to fight.  I knew where to find love all along.  That’s what drew me to church when I was five.  I realized that just recently.  The one place where I feel loved and affirmed is in my Lord’s arms.  The reason why I’ve been so genuinely happy lately is because my identity and purpose are both finally being fulfilled in my work through the church (that’ll probably be another blogpost, haha).  I finally feel like I mean something to the world, because the Lord is constantly affirming my calling and using people to affirm it too.
Affirmation is a wonderful thing, and I find that I am getting affirmed constantly and more so than when I was seeking it myself.  However, this kind of affirmation is different.  It’s a genuine kind of affirmation that I don’t have to ask for.  When people affirm my beauty, it’s not because I had to dress a certain way to gain it.  When people affirm my work, it’s because I’m working for the Lord and not for myself.  My identity is in the Lord, and any affirmation I gain is because of that identity.  So it really proves to me that my identity is finally in the right place.  I don’t need to whore myself to the world for affirmation.  I sold my life so that I might truly gain it.

Glad I didn’t miss chapel…

college, god, identity, love

Today God really reminded me of how much he loves me.  His love for me is extravagant and just more that I can ever imagine.  His love is more intimate than any other friend’s love for me.  I don’t even choose to be loved by Him, He loves me no matter what.  His love is amazing, and stronger than any other love I have ever known.  It’s overwhelming and enticing.  It’s irresistible.  It’s grace-filled.  It’s mighty.  It covers all of my sin and is greater than all the “good” things I have done put altogether.  It’s not contingent on what others think of me.  It is not dependent on any other factor than God’s mercy.  It’s just…God.  God IS love.

This is Weird.

college, youth ministry

So this is weird.  I’m thinking about how we are all going to grow up one day.  I feel like just yesterday I was in high school, not understanding who I am and struggling to fit in.  And here I am, in college, with a slightly better understanding of who I am and people who are constantly affirming that.  It’s crazy.  And tomorrow, I’m going to be an adult.  Well not really tomorrow, but when I get to that point, I am going to wonder where the time went.  I wonder what it’s going to be like when we are 80 years old. Weird. So. Stinking. Weird.

As I looked online for curriculum, and pa-rouse youth ministry sites, I realized something.  One day, my colleagues are going to be the people writing this curriculum and making these sites.  My friends are going to be the ones speaking at huge conferences and camps like Centrifuge and Crossings.  I may even know the next Lecrae (and hopefully marry him!)  They are going to be writing books that I turn to when I want to pull my hair out, and making the curriculum that I will use with my youth group.  What is weirder, I might be one of them!  Whoaaa!  Thinking about this has made the reality that “One Day, I’m Going to Be an Adult” almost more real.  Should I start writing my book?  Should I start getting the curriculum I just wrote for our WarZone published?  hahahaha.  Oh my.  Tis Strange.

On another still-weird-but-less-frazzled note, while I’m thinking of youth ministry majors, I’m quite disappointed with some of ours right now.  I’m beginning to realize more and more that people go into ministry to correct their own lives.  It is so incredibly sad!  This mentality is very common in my peers, that “I had a messed up youth.  So I’m going to go to college, major in youth ministry, and I will become reformed and help those in their youth to make up for my sin in mine.”  And honestly, I’m sure that I felt that at one time or another, that the program would help reform me.  Why shouldn’t it reform me?  But there needs to be a legitimate, specific calling to the ministry.  I don’t want to see more teenagers suffer because their youth minister committed a major sin and had to leave the church.  And that goes for me too.

I’m incredibly scatter-brained today.  God answered a huge prayer last night, but I still am not happy.  I don’t really understand it.  But I need to learn to rest in His grace and armor myself with His Strength.  I can’t fight whatever funk I’m feeling alone! oh no no nooooo…