So here I am, it’s 1:10 am…I have an 8 o clock class, then a meeting, then a funeral.  And I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out.

Last weekend, three students went on a joyride that ended in their death.  I was very close to one of those girls, who was in the eighth grade.  I have had the privilege of watching her grow over the last two and a half years.  There was a new church plant in town, with an overwhelming amount of students who attended.  I was in the beginning of my sophomore year, and eager to serve here.  She was one of the first girls I encountered, and she instantly loved me.  Her group of sixth grade girl friends adored me, and I secretly favored them as well.  They were spunky, loving, and made me laugh.  They clung to every word I said.

I felt called elsewhere, and sought that calling out.  A year ago I received the call to my current church, and although I was excited to lead a youth group, I was torn to leave these girls.  When I told the new youth minister there that I needed to “break the news” to the girls, he seemed very nonchalant about it, like I was going to tell them, and the night would be normal from there.  He hadn’t been there long and didn’t realize my connection with the girls.  When I told them at the end of the night, there were a few who sat, cuddled, and bawled our eyes out.  I remember how hurt they were that I was leaving, and I kept trying to get them to understand.  I told them they could follow me, but to really pray about where God wanted them.  They all stayed with that church, yet I maintained contact with them through Facebook and random run-ins around town.  I was still able to help them out in many different situations. I love them so much, and consider them a huge part of my development as a leader.

This last summer, I was in Walmart, and I hear, “Are you Heather?”  I turned around, and I see a woman and a little boy.  The woman says, “I’m Gabi’s mom.  Can I give you a hug?”  We shared in a great embrace, and she expressed to me how much I meant to her daughter, and therefore to her.  She shared with me that I probably thought she was crazy, but that I was very influential to her ornery daughter, and that Gabi looked up to me.  That is one of the most touching moments I have ever had.  I never had a student adore me as much as she did, and quite honestly I had never loved students as much as I loved her.  Since her, there have been a few that I have felt that same love and desire to see grow, but she was really the beginning of that for me.

Gabi had really struggled this last year.  In fact, her father had just died two weeks prior to her death of cancer.  I don’t want to go into familial details, but there is a lot that has happened in her life, both positive and outwardly negative, in the last year.  She was really struggling in her walk.  But when I think about how God looks at us, I don’t think he saw her as a sinner.  I think He saw her as an eighth grader, who had a sincere love for Him and desire to follow Him, but was an eighth grader.  I have no doubt that I will see her again.

So here I am, bawling my eyes out and remembering all the times we have shared.  This girl was gorgeous, a real heart-breaker I’m sure.  She was spunky.  She was hilarious.  The life of the party.  She could be really mean sometimes, but very devoted to whatever emotion she was feeling ;)  She had amazing friends, who were in the same place spiritually.  They are hurting.  I want to hug them and never let go, so they won’t leave me too.  It sounds selfish.  My greatest desire is that they can use this to move on and live their life like Christ would–remembering that choices have consequences, we are not invincible, and that everything we do is for the glory of God.  Even dying.

Ugh…I miss that girl.  But I’m so happy she is in heaven with her eternal Father.  I must quit bawling now.

Sometimes I wonder what to post on this blog, because most of the people who read it are in ministry, and I know that I get irritated with some of the blogs I follow when they post things that aren’t directly-related to ministry.  Most of the time I post about things in ministry that I am learning, or general life lessons as a result of things that I struggle with.  I guess I write this junk because I wish to read it more–life in ministry is not easy.  Life in general is not easy.  So I guess I wrote that paragraph to say, I am going to continue being vulnerable in my blog.  That is who I am.

A big problem that I have with my personality  is my sarcasm. When situations are tough, uncomfortable, and uneasy, I get sarcastic.  I make jokes.  I don’t mean to.  It’s how I deal.  I once heard that when we as humans are faced with an issue, we have to possible responses–laugh or cry.  For me, crying takes so much energy, especially when you are dealing with a tough situation and are in the spotlight.  It takes too much energy to focus on how crappy life is, to dwell on hurt, and to cry.  So I laugh.  I shake my head, chuckle at humanity, and move on.

In high school, I would tell my friends the things that I was struggling with, and they would ask me how I could possibly laugh through those situations.  I’d choke back tears and respond, “What else can I do?”  Nobody wants to be around a person who is sad all the time, even if they have “just reasons.”

Now that I work with teenagers a million and five hours a week, I have literally seen it all.  I work at a girls’ shelter full of girls who are highly medicated for anything you could ever think of.  I have had to learn to laugh at situations instead of stress myself out.

But there’s a line I need to draw.  I’m right in that when there’s a situation going on, I need to not stress myself out more than I need to.  I should learn to laugh at some of the things thrown my way.  I deal with stress really well this way; it’s my “coping skill” as we would say at the shelter.

The line I have to avoid is when I offend people.  I can chuckle at life, but I should not make jokes about it to the people involved.  I should be more aware of others.  Not everyone can handle my humor.  Especially teenagers (and especially the ones I work with at the shelter who are of lower social and mental functioning), who cannot comprehend sarcasm or most “adult humor”.

I am a work in progress. Dang, it’s so frustrating sometimes.  I’m reading two books right now on the role and personhood of the Holy Spirit.  I so wish He could take over my body, so I wouldn’t act like such an idiot all the time.  I am going to be actively seeking to change the way I use sarcasm to deal so that I do not offend others, so please pray for me.

I haven’t written in about a month.  This is very odd for me, because I love writing, love blogging, and use both as a way of sorting my thoughts out.  I’ve had a LOT of thoughts, trust me.  And I have a list of things I WANT to blog about that will probably get cranked out here soon.  I’ve even started writing some of them, I just had to stop and do other things.  So this post is just to highlight my last month, I suppose. We’ll see where it’ll take us ;)

I was very very busy with school. Remarkably busy.  I was very burnt out.  Between exegeticals and projects, and exams…I was tired.  I really didn’t have time for anything else, but made time for my youth, scheduled in some social life, and relied on caffeine. Perhaps too much!  Finals week, nothing seemed to pay off.  I bombed every last one of my finals.  Therefore I ended up with grades that were less than what I hoped.  I ended out okay, and learning that you can not take 18 hours full of Bible and Theology classes, succeed, and be a successful youth pastor all at the same time, nevertheless add a social life beyond that.  I was constantly frustrated, consistently burnt out.

 I am ironically taking Biology in a week, but I am happy about that.  It will give me the opportunity to see people “my own age” here in Bolivar as I spend the summer with youth.  Last week I saw 2 people the whole week my age, and I realized that I am NOT a person of solitude or a person that was created to be alone.  I need community and fellowship too much :).  That being said, I have to prioritize what that is going to look like.  This semester I have made a switch in who I hang out with.  There is a difference in hanging out with Pharisees and participating in Pharisaical behavior.  I ended up participating.  Gossiping is so sickening to me, and I do it so much.  Especially when people who are Christians spend all their time gossiping…It makes me literally sick to my stomach.

Right now I don’t have a job outside of church.  I’m a little in debt because of charging my credit card with gas for a few trips to help my dad move out of my house and going for my best friend’s graduation.  I really do not wish to see it build up interest. oogh.  Just be praying for me in that area.  I have seen God provide time and time again.  I was just an idiot in spending money.

So what am I up to this summer?  I’m going to be a youth pastor and a biology student, as of this point.  I will hopefully score a job and pay off a little of school.  I will relax and remember why I loved ministry, friendship, learning.  I will think about what I’m going to do in a year when I am done with school and have to get a big girl job.  I will knock off some of those new year resolutions.  I will blog like a maniac!  And I will continue growing to Christ’s likeness.

This post is so random, don’t even read it. Oh, too late. My bad.

Dear Summer,

I want you more than I have ever wanted you.  I was crazy thinking that I could take 18 hours this semester, including some of the most challenging courses academically and spiritually I will ever take.  I was crazy to put that on top of church work.  I was crazy to take on extra assignments at church and personally.  Then trying to be social with the organizations I am involved in.  I was crazy.

But I did it.  You are 10 days away.  I am going to have great grades, possibly my best semester yet (if I pass that dumb class).  I will keep you at the front of my thoughts, second only to Jesus, as I conquer that dumb class and all of my finals.  We can do this. We can.

Then we can frolic in the fields together.  I can sleep in your arms.  You will give me a glow.  It will be beautiful.  I can read all those books I want to.  I can focus on church.  I can get another job (err…).

We will be beautiful together, you and me.  Wait 10 days for me.  Just 10.  Then our love will increase.  This will be our last time together, as in a year I might have to grow up, and our love won’t exist anymore because a job will have to come before our love.  Gross.

Love,
Heather