I have had the hardest month in a long time… here’s a list:
- huge fight with my mom
- my facebook page for my business was deleted
- someone very close to me attempted suicide, and others close to me were very much effected by it
- my grandfather’s kidneys are failing
- fight with my mentor
- a woman moved in with my father
- my sister’s behavior is out of control :(
- (that was all just the first week, although it escalated, as those type of things tend to do.)
- I had job problems which caused me to quit
- I was stood up big-time by my best friend
- trying to find a summer internship
- trying to apply for RA throughout all this, something that I desired with all of my heart, something that the Lord told me I was fully equipped for; then I didn’t get it in the end…
- a lot of emotional issues, dealing with lies of this world from Satan
- my uncle cannot stand me and thus makes my life miserable while I am home
If you follow me on twitter, here is the progression of some of my tweets:
- Every tear i cry, You hold in Your hand. You’ve never left my side. & tho my heart is torn, I’ll praise You in this storm.
- I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa
- “We know the truth, not only through our reason, but also through our heart.” -Blaise Pascal
- Faith isn’t a question of shutting 1’s eyes, gritting 1’s teeth, & believing the impossible. It involves a leap, but a leap into the light.
- As I have gotten older, I have realized that I don’t have best friends anymore; rather, friends for different areas of my life.
- Misery may love company, but the lack of company causes misery.
- Justice is getting what you deserve. Mercy is not getting what you deserve. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve.
Lets be honest, I had a crap month. Yesterday I had a meeting with a professor to discuss my spiritual development this semester (it is a requirement for class). He has read my journal entries over the last month, and has seen how much I have gone through as I have gone through it. He has hurt with me. I told him that even though I thought I dealt with everything well by not breaking down completely like I would have years ago, I slacked off in a lot of areas in my life and relationship with God. He told me that although I haven’t done my quiet time, my relationship with God had visibly grown. Although I had so much going on in the relational area of my life, I was able to build up a relationship with a young lady who I disciple. Although I had all of this junk going on in my life, I stuck through it. Although I have cried more this month than in the past few years, I haven’t had an emotional breakdown. I have matured. It’s weird to think that, but I did. I kept begging God to break me further, break me further. I wanted the brokenness so that I could feel close to Him again. I want my relationship with Him to be fresh and tight. I wanted Him to show me that I needed Him more than anything. And He has shown me that. Although I lacked in the “religious” aspect of our relationship, He is still my Lord. I let Him lead me. I cried a bunch, but I let Him do whatever was in His plan without me interfering. Life isn’t perfect, I never had perfection, nor do I want to ever obtain it. Because the second everything goes right in my life, I could forget Him! (although God, if You are reading this, and I know You are, I wouldn’t mind a thing or two that I desire to be in Your will, You almost owe it to me for this last month! How about I get that internship! That would make up for March J). Anywho, I am still processing a lot of this; in fact, I have been writing this post for a few days now. My point is, that even when everything in your life is hectic and going wrongly, God is right there with you.
Remember Job? EVERYTHING was taken away from him; everything went wrong for him. But what did he do?
Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.He said,
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD.”Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.((Job 1:20-22))
Job mourned, fell flat on his face, and gave it all to God. He worshipped Him. He said, “The Lord took all of this away, but He gave it to me in the first place. Praise God that He gave it to me in the first place! Praise God that He is over my life—He knows best; He knows what He is doing!”
My attitude may not have been exactly like his, but it was pretty similar. The whole time I had faith in that God knows exactly what He is doing. He gave me more and more to show me that I could bear it all and still have faith in Him. Satan was active in attacking me mentally, and God laughed because He knew that Satan could not control me. God showed Satan big time that I am NOT the same girl that I used to be! I can handle ANY attack Satan makes. Because I know that God is sovereign and ACTIVE in my life! The Lord has given me SO much, and it is His to take away if He so desires. Man, this is good stuff.
“I wish you could see me now, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was!” Brandon Heath.
“But faith is not a question of shutting one’s eyes, gritting one’s teeth, and believing the impossible. It involves a leap, but a leap into the light rather than the dark. It is open to the possibility of correction, as God’s ways and will become more clearly known.” –John Polkinghorne