I haven’t posted in a while, and that’s because I’m in a stage of transformation. As we all are and should be.

7 months ago, I moved my entire life to Indianapolis in the pursuit of being full-time at one thing. I’m really good at committing to multiple things and over-booking life, and I wanted to centralize things and commit to one big thing. More on that in the next post.

I’ve always been labeled by friends as two things: Hilarious and Transparent. Incredibly and to a fault self-aware, I know that I’m extremely vulnerable. I cannot hide it. Even PlayBuzz detects that every thing I do comes from a place of vulnerability.

I believe Creator God created each of us with individual attributes that strongly reflect an image of him. Because none of us are perfectly sanctified, we each bear glimpses of God that together make up his image. Beautiful to think about. And because we haven’t reached perfection, those attributes come with Earthy flaws–

My attribute is my vulnerability and consequently empathy. Which is beautiful as a minister, and frustrating as a human being. My emotions are always on my forehead and they get me in trouble, but also inspire people to love what I love.

That said, I want to explain how this led to a break in blogging.

In February, I began loathing the voice I had taken as a blogger. I gained feedback that I had become arrogant and ignorant, two things I disdain.

I removed myself as the editor and a  contributor at the youth ministry website I was working at, understanding that I had taken on the voices of other contributors with little success at translating that to my own unique voice, therefore rubbing readers wrongly.

And as I explored my journey individually, I realized that I am no expert, no guru. When I began blogging, it was an outlet.  But as I became more known, there was a pressure to fit into a mold, especially in the blogging circle I ran with.  As an editor, blogging became: meeting deadlines. Editing blogs that I don’t really agree with. Trying to have the conversation of “what is our purpose as a site?” I struggled to cope with the fact that my purpose as a blogger was different than those I worked with; and truthfully I loved those guys as friends deeply, but wasn’t on the same page in terms of blogging philosophy. Those things made me unhappy and caused me to resent the youth ministry blogosphere as a whole, and I needed a break.

So my break begged the question : if I am to blog, which I love, what is my purpose?

I get emails all the time from people who appreciate that most beautiful and damning thing about me: the fact that my emotions are on the table.  And that’s who I am on my personal blog : Vulnerable, hilarious, hot mess, educating myself and others as I write, Heather.  Whose purpose is to empower others to just… Be themselves. Which is a reflection of Creator God.

***I’m so grateful to those who’ve walked with me through life over the last year, because who I am is constantly changing. I also know that because I process with anxiety, I’ve hurt dear friends as I’ve made impulsive decisions. I’m learning. I apologize.

Sabbath is important. As I talked about in my last post, God stated that part of our Covenant with him is to honor the Sabbath.

As youth workers, this is impossible. First-off, Sundays are my busiest day of the week. So a traditional Sabbath is out of question. Secondly, I may have “Fridays and Saturdays off,” but that doesn’t count youth events on the weekend, retreats, or random hospital visits or hang-outs with people who can’t fit into my weird schedule (how dare them!).

Here are a few options of Sabbath:

Turn it off completely when you go home.

Unplug completely. What I do is turn the push notifications off of my phone so that I only recieve texts or phone calls. If I get a text, I ignore it (people actually point this out and I joke I’m a terrible Millennial, but there is actual purpose to it!). I sometimes leave my phone in another room and

Make a daily time of devotion of some sort.

Devotion looks different for everyone–for some people, reading Scripture rejuvenates. For others, it is worship music. Still others, it’s a book.  I have a 25-minute commute to work, so I use it to listen to a scripture devotional (I’m going chronological right now!) or listen to worship music. It is my time that I have regularly. It’s not textbook, and looks differently as I have different needs daily. But it just is.

Find something that is just for you.

Take up a hobby–my senior pastor goes home and chops wood. It’s a thing that he has just for himself, and I would assume it gives time to think or even just turn completely off. I enjoy doodling scriptures that I’m meditating on. I’m not very artsy, but it calms me. On my days off, I cook a huge breakfast, drink coffee really slowly, and enjoy the quiet.

Make a day for you and those important to you.

Chances are, if you aren’t making time for yourself, you probably are not taking care of the ones you love. As an extrovert, I get energy from people (although I require my alone time). Take a day to spend with friends and family. I live in a new city a few hours away from those people, but I understand the need to make a day trip and get refueled.

Regular “Sabbatical.”

For every week that you don’t Sabbath, then you need to add that to a weekend so that you can have an extra-Sabbath-y time. Your church may not grant you a technical Sabbatical, but you can do it yourself. I have a coworker who says that sometimes her husband buys her a hotel room to escape her kids and home hectic-ness; she spends the weekend to herself, journaling and attending another church. I know others who go to the woods for a weekend. I use that time to visit friends and family.

None of this is rocket science. But it is important. Know your personality and your needs, and take a rest.

My church’s theme for Lent is “The Race.” The series is phenomenal; every week I walk away with a revelation about my relationship with God. As an introspective person, this kind of teaching is especially important for my spiritual journey. What makes this even better is that we have “Lenten Small Groups” to dig deeper into each theme with a group of people. It’s refreshing and fantastic. Basically, I dig it. :)

The theme from two weeks back really stuck with me–“Red Flag: The Importance of the Pit.” The idea is that each racecar has a moment where it refuels for the race. Although it may seem momentary, it’s necessary.

This made me reflect: What am I doing to spiritually refuel, change my tires, and take a sip of Gatorade (or honor whatever my sponsor is)?

The funny fact is: As introspective as I am, I am terrible at taking care of myself at times.

One of my dearest friends and I meditated on this scripture a few months ago:

The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place. But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.
Mark 6:30-34 (NIV)

Here’s what hits me: The disciples were overextended. They were so busy, they didn’t even have a chance to eat.

And life didn’t stop because they were so busy–the crowds demanded even more from them. Jesus didn’t say, “Sorry guys, they need more from you. Let’s get back to work.”

Nope. He said, “You go rest. I’ve got this.”

Then this morning in my daily chronological scripture reading, I read the part in Exodus where God states that the Sabbath is a part of his Covenant with his people. He commands that part of honoring God is honoring a time of rest.

Friday I’ll talk about what a Sabbath can look like in ministry, where you sometimes work 7 days a week. My friend Aaron published an infographic where he says that the average number of real Sabbath days a youth worker takes in a day is 14.

I’m not a math genius, but 52 weeks minus 14 sabbath days equals a lot of weeks where we are not keeping up our side of the Covenant.  It makes me wonder if I’m really honoring God with my work if I’m not honoring him with a rest.

So shut up, and take a Sabbath.

I just moved into my new house in Indiana, which I later found out has no overhead lighting in the bedrooms. So of course, I bought a floor lamp (that I had to assemble myself).

As I put it together, I grew skeptical about its ability to brighten my space–one, it had a thick, ivory shade. Two, I bought a bulb for it that was weaker than I probably should have purchased. Three, it was a lamp trying to light up an entire bedroom.

But I turned it on, and I was surprised–it lit up my entire space.

I think most know my heart well enough to know that I’m always “Jesus juking” myself, and this time was no different–I began to think about how we always think that light is not strong enough to shine in the darkness, but in the end… light always wins.

This causes me to meditate on Jesus Christ, whose life the apostle John says “brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”

No matter how much darkness there is, the light shall be seen. Yet, if we attempt to hide the light, like if I were to put my lamp in my closet, it would not be seen. In the same way, Jesus tells us to be light of this world, and not to hide it.

It’s a beautiful thing to meditate on–how am I resembling Christ? How am I being a light in this world?  Am I hiding my influence, or am I displaying it and bringing light to others?

This goes perfectly with the celebration this week of Martin Luther King, Jr; for one of my favorite quotes of his is, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

If I expect for my world to get any better, any brighter, than the light needs to shine. Christ-like love needs to be posted for all to see, so that hope can enter their hearts.

So…be light.

I love the movie Silver Lining’s Playbook, and this is perhaps my favorite quote:

There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that; just like all the other parts of myself.

We have parts of ourselves that are messy, dirty, sloppy, complicated.  But we need to like ourselves regardless.

Don’t beat yourself up over your past, your circumstances, your mistakes, or your flaws.  There are things you cannot control, circumstances you had to endure in order to become who you are.

Never apologize for things outside of your control, and always forgive others…. That’s the next part of her quote:

 I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?

Forgive yourself, forgive others.

Strive for greatness, of course; yet love who you are, flaws and all.  How can you love others if you don’t love yourself?

Going through the process of finding a new job is just weird.  I know a few specifics of what I’m being “called to”, but I don’t know much.  There is this lie that trips me up that says, “What Baptist church is going to hire a 22 year-old single female?”

So, my roommate and I decided to live like poor people and not buy internet.  And seeing as I can’t even text on my Android, I sure won’t be blogging from it!  haha.

I’m 105 days from my undergraduate degree in Christian Ministry with an emphasis in Youth and a minor in Theology. I almost sound intelligent! ;)

I have been on a journey the last four years trying to figure out God’s will for my life.  He made it very clear to me that He wasn’t going to reveal it to me with a clear-cut, obvious answer. He was going to put me through a process.  I was frustrated.  But I like it.  More on that later ;)

So, I’m beginning to apply around to some churches in the St. Louis area.  I think God is calling me back there, for various reasons…mostly because my teenage sister is the most important teenager in my life.

My job at the shelter is crazy as ever as well!  Every day, I seem to encounter a new situation. God is teaching me so much and forcing me to grow up.  A lot of people are telling me how I have my act together, and only am 22.  I don’t believe that ;)  I DO know that it’s only by the grace of God that I have anything at all.  Not in a cheesy way or anything…this is real talk.

Anywho…I have a list of things I want to blog about, and I will get to it soon (105 days? ;))

Thanks everyone for your private prayers.

Blessings,
Heather

Heather’s Sonnet
by Katie Mortimer

I know a gal who makes really cool things
Like entries in blogs and super earrings
And all the world stops to hear when she sings–
It’s Toby and KJ52 that she pings;
She’s prayerfully awesome– to Christ she clings.
We all see she’s pure by her promise rings.
She writes on advice she gets from First Kings,
Going further on other very deep things.
To every convo a question she brings–
Like how we should dance at all our spring flings.
It is ok that her bling makes cha-chings?
Is there aught to learn from the ancient Mings?
But my favorite thing she’s asked from her heart
Was: Is it better to burp or to fart?

I relate to Lady GaGa’s song “Judas.”

It has received a lot of criticism, obviously because the song is talking about Judas from the Bible.  Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss.  The song says “I’m still in love with Judas.”

What does this mean?   GaGa talks about how even though he betrays her and his “tongue lies through his brain”, she can forgive him over and over again.  And although “Jesus is my virtue, Judas is the demon I cling to.”  I relate to this, and I feel that all Christ-followers should.  I desire to follow Christ, yet I always feel like I’m caught up in sin.  I end up letting it rule me.

Now, I have issues with GaGa.  I’m not suggesting we bring her music into church (“wear an ear condom next time!”).  I’m just saying, I get this song.

“I wanna love You, but something’s pulling me away from You.”

Just a short post that I’ve been meaning to write for a while.