new years resolutions

2023: My Soul

new years resolutions, Uncategorized

When I was in high school, we were encouraged to choose a “life verse,” a practice I love and encourage teens to do today. The verse I chose was Mark 8:36. My favorite version of it says, “What would you do if you gained the whole world and lost you, the real you? Is anything worth your soul?”

When I chose this verse, I was struggling reconciling my call to ministry. When I finally submitted to my call, I had to do some work to undo patterns that I knew didn’t align with my call. My soul — the piece of me that makes me “me” — was being sacrificed so that I could fit in and be like everyone else. I had to decide that being different was worth it, because I would be living into who God made me to be. Plus, that other stuff wasn’t really “me” in the first place.

For a long time, I didn’t really think about what this verse meant to me again — in fact, eventually I named a new “life verse” as I encountered some new things in my life. That was, until 2022.

In March of 2022, I had finally had enough. I was working my dream job as a youth pastor in a large progressive mainline church. I was living my absolute dream, doing amazing things for the church, community, and even the denomination. But there was something that I had been ignoring for years: an unhealthy work culture. By March I had encountered a number of situations in a matter of months that made me realize the pattern I had seen over the course of 8+ years.

In 2022 my word for the year was “brave.” So, I bravely spoke up. This blog post isn’t about what happened afterwards (I spoke about that very generally on my podcast). But I came out of the experience feeling absolutely heartbroken. Here was this church that I loved with my whole heart and this job that was my literal dream job: but it was costing me too much. I had lost my grip on goodness, sacrificed my self-assurance, and felt incredibly lost. Please read: I loved the people and loved the work. But the particulars around staff culture left me wondering if the work was still good if the leadership wasn’t.

I decided to meet with a pastor friend of mine, and ask for their guidance on my next steps. This was someone who had worked in the same church and had seen the things I had. I asked them — how did you know it was time to leave? And they told me, “I was told that I was the problem in the system. That my issues with the system were actually indicative of my own failures as a leader. So, I set six months on the calendar. In that six months, I focused on myself and allowed ministry to go to the back-burner. At the end of the six months, I was in the best shape I’d ever been in, was the closest to my family that I had been in years, and yet — I was facing the same issues at work. So, that was how I knew it was time to leave.”

I took this counsel literally. I set six months on the calendar. I joined a six-month cohort for women in executive leadership. And for the first time, I set a goal completely for myself. I focused on my health, which ended up being needed — as pursuing this goal resulted in getting surgery that resolved years of chronic pain, pain I had previously ignored.

During this six months, I was retaliated against relentlessly at work for shining light on issues in the church. But I leaned on the strength of my coaching group, my inner friend circle of WYM, and my family. I opened my heart to hear God, and placed up appropriate armor to block out the spiritual warfare I was encountering at work. I was able to hear God, even when things were at their hardest.

One week at a staff chapel, someone taught on Mark 8:36. Their take on the verse was encouraging the sacrifice of self for others. At this moment, something clicked. I had tried that for years. I had ignored my own mental, spiritual, and physical health and reasoned that Jesus taught us to put others before ourselves. And absolutely there is truth to that. But putting others first does not result in total loss of self.

I began meditating on Mark 8:36 again. And I re-imagined the words. “What if you had your dream job, but it cost you your soul?” I started thinking about what my soul is, what she’s worth. And I began fighting for her.

So, I allowed myself permission to dream about what could be, and on the very last day of the six month discernment period, was offered my current gig. My new job consists of things I have been learning about myself over the course of the years, but wouldn’t have sought out if I hadn’t been looking. On one hand, I hate that it took immense heartache to bring me to this point, but on the other hand — I can’t help but praise God for Their provision in this season. Every day I am grateful.

Classic to the personality of a youth minister, God speaks to me a lot through the music and movies that I take in. 2023 was “The Year of Women,” and the stories that women told through media this year deeply resonated with my quest for my soul:

  • Beyoncé’s Renaissance album came out in 2022 and went on tour this year. I blared this album every day for a year, especially “Break My Soul,” “Church Girl,” and “Cozy.” My mental health was at an all-time low a year ago, with panic attacks almost every day for months. As I drove to work during this season, I would listen to the affirmations of my soul being worth everything. And just as Beyoncé said to do, I quit my job and dyed my hair.
  • I have been obsessed for years with the Broadway musical, Waitress, and it came to theaters this year. Sara Bareilles has been my favorite singer for forever. Waitress is about a woman whose life didn’t look the way she planned. In the end, she chooses herself, even though it means enormous and heartbreaking change. Now, I can look at who I was and admire her strength, while celebrating the life I’ve bravely built.
  • Of course, the Barbie movie. At first, I absolutely hated the ending, but now I get it: Barbie left a perfect but plastic world for a real one. And the change, while devastating, was the only choice she could make in good conscience. She knew what life should feel like, and she knew that one she was living was fabricated, not authentic.
  • Taylor Swift’s Midnights album. Some people call it a breakup album, I call it her Renaissance. She remembers who she is, comes out of hiding, and reclaims it. She launches a tour celebrating who she’s always been, so that she can shine in the way she always needed to.

These women influenced my decision to choose myself, to choose my soul. To leave the known and embrace the unknown. To leave a job and people I loved, to find peace in my soul. And while I still have grief over different aspects, I also have peace. I hold these things hand-in-hand, damn proud of myself at all the hard things I had to do to be true to myself.

It reminds me of my favorite hymn, one I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with. Mostly because, when you’re having a bad time, it’s the last thing you want to hear.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way. When sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, “It is well, it is well with my soul.”

In 2023, I found peace in my soul. I did a ton of brave things this year, in addition to all of this. All because I fought for my soul.

My life looks very different than it did a year ago, all because I prioritized my wholeness. On Instagram, I posted:

In 2020, I found myself.

In 2021, I found my values.

In 2022, I found my voice.

In 2023, I found my peace.

A friend from my coaching cohort, who walked with me through my discernment process, responded: In 2024, may you find your power.

May it be so.

Turning 30: How I Survived My 20s

Blogs about Heather, new years resolutions

As I approach my 30th birthday on Friday, I’ve been feeling particularly nostalgic about my 20s. This has been a huge decade of growth for me in every way that I could possibly imagine; and while I know this is to be expected for anyone in their 20s, for me it feels different.

Ten years ago, I was in my sophomore year of college. I was a broken, hurt shell of a human being. I found relationships hard, because I had extreme abandonment issues that I hadn’t yet put words behind. I was too intense of a person to build relationships with anyone beyond my little tribe of people. I found it hard to connect and had a bitter and heavy heart. I loved the Lord and knew I wanted to serve Him, but also felt like life had dealt me a crappy hand and that no one understood me. I knew that I was gifted, but nobody had ever really told me that. I covered my body in baggy clothes, because I didn’t want to be seen and yet that was the only thing I wanted.

A few weeks ago, in a phone conversation with my little sister, she said to me, “So Heather. I turn 24 this year. And that puts me in my mid-20s. I’ve never really thought about what it’s like to be in your mid or upper 20s. I mean, I know what it’s like to be young, but mentally I just thought you skipped right from college into your 30s. Do you have any advice for surviving your 20s?”

At first I thought that this was the most ridiculous conversation I could possibly have with my baby sister. She knows I’m turning a whole decade older this year, right? And she’s worried about turning 24? But then I realized that she’s totally right, and many of the conversations I have with my friends and volunteers who are younger than me revolve around surviving this thing called your 20s. You see, I’ve spent the last ten years hearing from people “Oh, to be young again…”

But you know what? Screw that. My 20s were tough. And my sister was turning to the right person. I gave her three points of advice; points that I’d love to share with you:

1. Get a real job.

I’m not against travelling if you have that privilege, and I’m certainly not against taking some time to figure out what you’re good at or what you like. My sister is in that stage right now, and I have mad respect for it.

But at a certain point, you have to find a real job, get real experience, wake up at a real time, and report to a real supervisor for real coaching. And that helps you understand who you are as a person, because you’re learning to manage conflicts and programs and people as you seek to become more than a number, but a person with a career.

And, you know, bonus points for moving and finding who you are in a new city with new people. It is incredibly stretching to start over from scratch.

2. Find a Therapist.

A former supervisor, who I thought must have had the most perfect family life, once told me “your 20s are about figuring out what happened to you in your childhood.” Therapy is a huge piece of that. No matter what your family life was like, you owe it to yourself to talk about it with a licensed professional who can help you understand your growth barriers.

For me, it was imperative. I began seeing a therapist when I was 27. Originally I thought I was going to therapy because my job wasn’t the happiest at the time. But what I found out during therapy was that I was freaking out because I had fallen in love — and I had some major vulnerability issues as a result of abandonment. Fun stuff.

In addition to therapy, I went on an endless journey of self-discovery. I studied Strengthsfinder and the Enneagram to get a sense of who I am and what my gifts are. For me, this was redeeming. The things that I saw in myself as weakness, I began to see as pieces of God’s image in me. And it was freeing! And it helped me relate better to people who weren’t like me.

3. Date, but don’t feel like you have to settle down.

I didn’t begin dating until I was 24 years old. I was in a new city, and I didn’t know a single person outside of the church I had just started working in.

I dated aggressively, and I did so because I was on a journey to figure out who I was and what I wanted from a partner. I knew I wanted to get married someday, especially since being raised evangelical I had expected to be married and have 2 kids by the time I was 24.

But I’m GLAD that I waited until I had a better grasp of who I was as a person. You are constantly morphing throughout your 20s, which is why so many of my friends who married immediately after Bible college have already separated from their spouse. It takes a lot of time to figure out who you are, and you should never feel like you have to “make it work” with someone when either of you has no clue.

When I met my current partner, he was 34 and I was 26. I knew that I valued consistency, integrity, and humor — but a few years prior, I valued height, a high Biblical literacy, and someone who’d lead while I follow (vom). If I had gone with who I thought I wanted, I would end up with a tall tool who used the Bible to place me in the kitchen. I ended up with a partner who taught me the value of teamwork and makes me laugh and loves the Lord but also loves watching me shine. Thanks, Jesus, for that one.

—

These are the ways I survived my 20s — three simplistic, but difficult methods of finding myself. I am really proud of how far I’ve come: I’ve built deep relationships, including a spouse who I can be authentically and 100% myself with. I don’t live my life angry and bitter, and I’ve learned to wield my righteous anger into a power that gets stuff done for the sake of others. And generally speaking, I am an optimist; when 10 years ago I was a skeptic. I’ve also come to love myself completely. I look in the mirror and I like myself… some would even say my confidence needs to be dialed back. Last, I know what I want to do with my life — professionally but also personally. I can see my goals clearer than ever before.

As I look forward to my 30s, I often hear it’s the best decade of our lives. I hope so. I know that a lot of changes are on the horizon, with more stretching and growth bound to follow . But I also know that I am on a journey to be my best self. And if God can do this much in ten years of my life, who knows what’s ahead?!

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This is a picture from my 20th birthday party, and I can’t think of a better picture! This is one of my dearest friends, who has been with me in this decade of growth.

Top Reads of 2018

new years resolutions

Last year I made a big resolution — that I would read every book on my bookshelf before purchasing new books.

That was a total of 39 books. Yes, thirty-nine books on my shelf (not counting the ones I’ll never read, LOLZ).

While I didn’t get through all of them (or even half of them), I did want to list out those that I did complete:

  1. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy – Sheryl Sandburg & Adam Grant
  2. Daring Greatly – Brene Brown
  3. The Gifts of Imperfection – Brene Brown
  4. The Volunteer Revolution – Bill Hybels
  5. The Volunteer Project – Kizer, Keisher, Whitacre
  6. Ministry by Teenagers: Developing Leaders from Within – McKee & Smith
  7. Building your Volunteer Team (30-Day Project)
  8. Right Click – Kara Powell
  9. Inspired – Rachel Held Evans
  10. What is the Bible? – Rob Bell
  11. Out of Sorts – Sarah Bessey
  12. In the Name of Jesus – Nouwen
  13. Social Principles of the UMC 2017-2020
  14. Visioneering – Andy Stanley
  15. The Motivation Myth – Jeff Haden
  16. The Road Back to You – Cron, Stabile
  17. Next Generation Leader – Andy Stanley
  18. Common Prayer – Shane Claiborne

This year, I have some BIG GOALS in mind.

  1. I plan to attend seminary beginning this Fall to pursue my Master’s in Divinity. I’ve long-desired to go to seminary, even touring potential schools in my undergrad. But, it’s taken me some time to figure out what I believe–not just about faith but about my principles and where I should spend my future. While I haven’t been accepted yet, I am excited to get a top-notch education that helps me pursue my professional goals.
  2. I want to get healthier. Now that I’m married and baby-making is in the somewhat-near-but-not-too-near-so-calm-down-Mom-future, I want to get my body and my life in order. Two years ago I was diagnosed with a disorder that has reproductive, hormonal, and metabolic implications. In 2018 I focused on my mental health, and have my hormones under control. But this year I want to fix my metabolic issues with the hope that everything else can fall into line.
  3. Last, I’m focusing on Habits. In 2017 I read a lot of books on Habits, but I didn’t succeed. I now have a “Health Tracker” bullet journal which focuses primarily on the habits that I’m building week-by-week. I am hopeful that this, along with the Youth Pastor Diet Community and the participation of my husband, that this will help me get on track.

In 2018 I got stagnant in all areas — my faith, my health, my job… But this year I am proclaiming victory over all of this. It’s daunting to say “Hey y’all, this year I’m going to lose weight, start seminary, and actually follow through on stuff.” But I don’t think I am going to fail this time. I just can’t. You get to a point where you realize that you haven’t been operating like your true self — and that is my story. My disease impacted my mental health, my grit, my ambition — and I want to be “me” again.

So watch out, world. Your favorite Enneagram 8 is coming for ya.

2012 "Resolutions"

new years resolutions

Well, 2011 is officially over. Can you believe it?  I literally CAN’T.  There are some big decisions I have to make in the next 5 months, and I have been thinking about them for 4+ years, and now the time has come to make them!  But I’ll get to that in a bit.  Let’s take a look at the resolutions I made last year, and if I actually did them or not.

Heather’s 21 Resolutions for 2011 
1.  Go out of the country.  This is a huge one for me.  I have made up excuses for a LONG time for not doing this.  But I’m extremely convicted.  So this is going to happen.  This actually DIDN’T happen.  It’s kind of a long story, but I tried to go, very very hard.  And believed that God could provide for it with all my heart–so I’m going to call this one a win!
2.  Try saurcraut.  It’s my mom’s least favorite food, so thus I’ve never had it.   I tried it! And hated it!
3. Pick up speaking Spanish again.  I used to speak it all the time.  There’s no reason for me to lose 6 years of classes for nothing.  Well, I did speak Spanish MORE, but noone in Southwest Missouri understood me…
4.  Crash a wedding.  Uhh…Didn’t happen. I could have, but I’m just not rude like that ;)
5.  Eat pizza with anchovies. I just wanna know why everyone thinks its so fishy! ha.  Nope.
6.  I will regain my love for reading and read copious amounts of books.  I wish this happened.
7.  I will do all my homework…………………………………….maybe. The homework that counted, I did!
8.  Buy one of those page-a-day devotion calendars and read it every morning as I brush my teeth.  I did this for the majority of the time, so I call this a win!
9.  Blog once a week.  I didn’t expect to be working full time two jobs on top of school…so I failed.
10.  Sing a solo in church.  I used to all the time when I was a kid. Nope. This will be the year.
11.  Become the owner of Quelf.  HAPPENED!!!
12.  I will meet my future husband. ;)  No ring on my finger, so I dunno!
13.  Host a dance party.  Two of them, to be exact!
14.  Eat healthier (had to throw a boring one in there!)  Yep!
15.  I will whip my hair back and forth when I encounter opposition.  Duh.
16.  Double the size of my small youth group.  I am going to call this a win, although we didn’t gain any members.
17.  I will visit a beach. I have never been to a legit beach.  Dang it!
18.  I will sing in the shower at the TOP of my lungs when all my housemates are here.  No, but I played my guitar. A win.
19.  Keep track of my budget and not use my debit card even half as much.  Yes!
20.  I will not get on Facebook in class…………..maybe.  yes! most of the time.
21.  I will become addicted to the show “My Strange Addiction.”  yep!
 
 
So, I did a majority of my resolutions/bucket list.  I think this year, I have only a few things:
1.  Graduate college (a given).  But this involves the whole process of figuring out what I’m doing afterwards…
2.  Do what no woman has ever done before and become the weight on my Driver’s license (I have started an official diet, BUT this may result in getting a new license…but hey, still a lesson on humility!)
3.  Get engaged. hahahaha. This is a joke between my sister and I. . . a “joke”. . . ;)
4.  Hold both of my current jobs until I graduate. (So when I feel like quitting, I have this to look to).
5.  Be a Maid of Honor. (Okay, this is a cheat too. I already have this in the bag)
6.  Keep a prayer journal.  I haven’t journaled in a long time.  It’s time :)
7.  Start blogging again.
 
Yes.
 
This is going to be a hard year.  I already know that.  Last year was VERY hard.  I watched both my parents lose their houses last year, and are both currently “homeless”.  My sister is growing up, but not in an environment that is helping her become a young woman.  One of my favorite students died in a tragic car accident that broke me into pieces.  I learned a lot about what a friend is last year, and lost some best friends, including one of 15 years.  But this year I will continue my workaholic ways, figure out what I’m doing with the rest of my life (or at least after I graduate), try to figure out how to rewire the youth ministry program at church, and try to find a man. I mean what?  I’m so thankful that the Lord has been gracious with me.  I’m really going to do something different that makes an impact in His kingdom.  Perhaps that is the best resolution I can make!

New Design? yes :) Oh yeah, and some resolutions.

new years resolutions

Well, you know me.  Can’t sit still for too long.  So I redid the background a little.  I wanted things to look a little more polished, and I hope this accomplishes that.  I hope.

So I’m normally not into resolutions, but I decided this year to adopt a “bucket list” of things to do.

Ps, the origin of the term “bucket list” comes from the term “kick the bucket”, which means to die.  So essentially a bucket list is a list of things that a person wishes to do before they die.  But hey, since the world is ending in 2012, I guess this list can work the same way ;)

Heather’s 21 Resolutions for 2011 
(Why 21? because I turn 21 in 10 days :D)
1.  Go out of the country.  This is a huge one for me.  I have made up excuses for a LONG time for not doing this.  But I’m extremely convicted.  So this is going to happen.
2.  Try saurcraut.  It’s my mom’s least favorite food, so thus I’ve never had it.
3. Pick up speaking Spanish again.  I used to speak it all the time.  There’s no reason for me to lose 6 years of classes for nothing.
4.  Crash a wedding.
5.  Eat pizza with anchovies. I just wanna know why everyone thinks its so fishy! ha.
6.  I will regain my love for reading and read copious amounts of books.
7.  I will do all my homework…………………………………….maybe.
8.  Buy one of those page-a-day devotion calendars and read it every morning as I brush my teeth.
9.  Blog once a week.
10.  Sing a solo in church.  I used to all the time when I was a kid.
11.  Become the owner of Quelf.
12.  I will meet my future husband. ;)
13.  Host a dance party.
14.  Eat healthier (had to throw a boring one in there!)
15.  I will whip my hair back and forth when I encounter opposition.
16.  Double the size of my small youth group.
17.  I will visit a beach. I have never been to a legit beach.
18.  I will sing in the shower at the TOP of my lungs when all my housemates are here.
19.  Keep track of my budget and not use my debit card even half as much.
20.  I will not get on Facebook in class…………..maybe.
21.  I will become addicted to the show “My Strange Addiction.”

What are some of your Resolutions? :)

Two Decades Old…Today! The start of a new Blog:)

new years resolutions

I’ve had diaries since I was a little girl. My deepest, most vivid memories are recorded in these kitty-themed, sticker-covered diaries with locks that I could pull off without a key. Sometimes when my mom and I get into an argument, I’ll bring up something from my childhood, something that she did to me. She tells me that I “rewrite my childhood,” but then I look in my diary from first grade and I can clearly see that she DID in fact take out my lightbulb for a week once when I kept forgetting to turn my light off (and not just once, too. ha!).

I guess what I’m saying is, writing is important, especially when its purpose is to preserve memories…and more importantly, truths. I’ve had blogs before, but I was never fully satisfied so I’d delete them. And I haven’t had a “diary” since middle school (oh boy is that one colorful). I think that it is important to keep my thoughts organized… well as organized as I possibly can. Because let’s be honest, I’m not an eloquent speaker/writer. I talk circularly. I probably have A.D.D. (no joke). But I ask questions. I ask a lot, a lot, a lot of questions. Because without asking questions, I won’t get answers.
I turn 20 years old tonight at 9:59 pm! After 2 decades of being alive, I am deciding to do something crazy–believe dangerously. I want to ask the tough questions, explore the elusive parts of life, and live my life by all the truths that I encounter along the way. This is my year, my turn to change the world. It’s amazing how one person can! Martin Luther King Jr. sure did. Michael Jackson did. Were they perfect? Heck no, techno! And neither am I.
ps–Jesus Christ ROCKED this world with His perfection.
So, I guess the purpose of this is:
To organize this head of mine out. I am a female. Females think a lot.
For people to read, and hopefully find something I say useful.
For people to get a greater understanding of moi.
♥Heather